It’s May, so it means that it’s time for Kev Nickells to get the Eurovision ball a-rolling with the annual round-up of what’s grot and what’s not.
Gay Christmas comes around so quickly and by the spirit of Judy Garland we are once again blessed with another bumper bonanza of Eurojoy this year.
Bringing you up to speed with the latest developments in Euroland — Europe is a thing that the UK used to be part of, and kind of still is, except in that way when the useless one in the relationship has a strop, calls the relationship off, then has to go and live in a dishevelled hovel telling themself that they’re better off without them. Also the hovel is full of racists and it made of hate and gossamer-brittle memories of “the good old time”, which were actually just breaking the back of India and Africa.
I digress. Last year Portugal won with something that was a bit srsface, and this year there’s more than a touch of srsface, so I’m hoping that we see the errors of our ways as Eurovision consuming public and vote for something screamingly festive. Unfortunately, it’s a bit slim pickings, and it’s another year where the worst isn’t the very worst but the best isn’t quite the very best.(tl;dr) If you’re jingoistically interested in the UK — stop it, you’re terrible, don’t you see how that’s got us where we are? — and also our entry is a rattling near-empty asthma inhaler’s worth of meh.
Gromee feat. Lukas Meijer – “Light Me Up” (Poland)
Perilously close to not being a great dauby swash of meh, but unfortunately there is what can best be described as a quarter-donk beat in the chorus that could just have needled have it over into “not pish”. If the Polish team is reading — and I’d be a fool to assume they’re not — it needs at least another 20% more donk, banging or otherwise.
Eugent Bushpepa – “Mall” (Albania)
First showing of non-English, which is a good sign. But basically a bit “rock” in that way that’s just deeply uncomfortable, like a poorly timed dash from the pub without a visit to the loo. Crap, but not offensively so.Sevak Khangyan – “Qami” (Armenia)
More not English. And I really can’t place why this doesn’t quite hit home. Low tempo and low-key epic, but feels like he’s only really going through the build up and there’s a missing third section where it turns out that she was actually his niece, and the baby was in the barn all along, or etc.
Ethno-Jazz Band Iriao – “For You” (Georgia)
A weird one in so far as it’s the sort of thing I might enjoy in the normal course of things, but here it’s just a bit preponderously Womad-by-J Holland.
Aisel – “X My Heart” (Azerbaijan)
That’s “X” as in “cross”, in case you’re not a young person and mildly confused by the ever-so-slight amendment to the normative use of contractions with which you grew up. First sighting of a poppers o’clock chorus. I’m usually into Azeri entries and this is not an exception. No duduks this year though. Spoiler warning: duduk count remains at zero throughout.
Mikolas Josef – “Lie To Me” (Czech Republic)
If the best thing you can say about a song is that the video features a camel, then you’ve probably written something terrible. Every fucking year there’s rashings of this stolid ersatz funk constipatedly wafting in the direction of “sexy”, but sounding more cold damp towel. Not the only offender this year, but certainly the worst.Alexander Rybak – “That’s How You Write A Song” (Norway)
Absolutely fucking dreadful. The single laziest fucking thing to write a song about is the process of writing a song. But it’s not even particularly that the lyrics are terrible, though they are — it’s the problem that to write about writing is to precisely void all artifice from the song; it says that it is merely song, a pure function, not even a verisimilitude of “shit” but an abject avoidance of doing, saying, or being anything. Cack of the very highest order. This dickhead will probably win as well with his fucklamp smile and oh-so-punchable fringe. Also he scats, and scat is rubbish.
ZiBBZ – “Stone” (Switzerland)
This is one of those vampy quasi-bluesy numbers with a big chorus and a really long video. It’s not terrible, but it does contain high quantities of plod.
Madame Monsieur – “Mercy” (France)
France are pretty much guaranteed to sing in French, and why shouldn’t they? It’s a beautiful language.France, being a grown-up republic, usually turn in a decent song despite being one of the countries that automatically qualifies. Unlike their neighbours to the north, who seem to sullenly ask “will this do?” to the competition every time. This is bit like sensible pop music, but the Pet Shop Boys side of sensible, so that’s good. A bit europop, a bit electro. Might do well, might bomb because I’m categorically shite at picking winners. Solid Frenchery.Eleni Fouriera – “Fuego” (Cyprus)
This was high up the “fuck yeah” scale when I first listened, but it’s waning by this point; very familiar in the sense that a lot of solo women pop sounds like this at the moment, but the archetypal Eurovision middle eight and a droppy chorus. Frockwatch on high alert.
Ieva Zasimauskaitä – “When We’re Old” (Lithuania)
So this is something that’s squarely between breathe-y floaty sentimental bollocks and being quite touching with its swoopy strings and whatnot. I think it may need another twenty listens before I fall in love with it though. For now I shall simply say that’s it’s a notch and a whisker away from a meh.
DoReDos – “My Lucky Day” (Moldova)
Best song by several country miles. Abba does sevdah. And I don’t mean Steps b-side Abba, I mean Steps Best Of or Abba Gold Abba. This is obviously guaranteed not to win, because I am cursed with amazing taste while Europe, demonstrably, is not. But don’t let’s let that take away from the best song of this lifetime or possibly these lifetimes.Equinox – “Bones” (Bulgaria)
This has the chorus, printed on the video, of “love beyond the bones”, but either I don’t listen good, but it’s basically such a peculiar lyric. I’d like to say it’s one of those pop magic moments, but it’s just a bit lumpen and sacklike.
Amaia y Alfred – “Tu Canción” (Spain)
So the srslyfest I was worried about above didn’t quite transpire, but it does make me distrust this song. It’s all right, a cute enough lush duo singing in [one of the Spanish languages] and their voices have all been recorded nicewise, and it builds up to a big floating through the clouds ending; but we do need to be careful that we’re not sleepingwalking into some sort of srslymusicfest here.
Julia Smoylova – “I Won’t Break” (Russia)
So this is very much the Eurovisionist song, at least, the song that’s probably the median of all Eurovision in the last decade or so. It’s got that whole fist pumping “I won’t break” thing and what not, but it’s also a little bit like the sort of music that’s garishly daubed onto car adverts to make the car seem aspirational.Vanja Radavanovic – “Inje” (Montenegro)
Big and swoopy and not in English and probably about something terrifically sad. Not entirely sure why this isn’t my favourite. Probably something to do with the epic drums and lack of Abba doing sevdah. It’s a proper massive key change away from being “fuckwhoahyeah!”, but it’s in the ballpark and a decent stage show on the night may just pip it for me
Netta – “Toy” (Israel)
Bookies’ favourite, so far as I can make out. Probably the noveltyest song, but not a patch on last year’s “Yodel It!”. She’s doing chicken impressions in parts which brings to mind this – (except it’s not really anything like that). It’s got parochial gay bar anthem written all over it so, y’know, let’s hope for explosions and a million gyrating twinks.
Eye Cue – “Lost And Found” (FYR Macedonia)
M’yeah… super conflicted on this one. On the one hand: chorus the size of, like, a nebula or something. On the other, does suddenly drop the tempo to go into some skanking verse, that isn’t even the main verse. It’s got the weird-shapedness of, like, peak Xenomania. So let’s just say that it’s a banger and we’ll just talk about how much of a banger it is over the top of that confusing and slightly pish second verse bit.Ermal Meta e Fabrizio Moro – “Non Mi Avete Fatto Niente” (Italy)
Italy in Italian, obviously. Not sure how related it is to the fairly terrible politics over there at the moment but it’s all, seemingly, pretty anti-war and that. I’m not knocking this song, but it’d be better if it wasn’t this song, but was no degrees of separation from 2016.
Benjamin Ingrosso – “Dance You Off” (Sweden)
A volatile haemorrhoid of piss and hate.
Michael Schulte – “You Let Me Walk Alone” (Germany)
Sometimes a song is pish, and in order to qualify the song’s pishness you start internally constructing a profoundly anti-family manifesto which negates the primacy of the family as the continued fascist bulwark of heteronormativity. This is necessarily hyperbolic, but of course it’s worth remembering that sometimes songs really are that bad. And it’s not like I haven’t listened to Ann Breen doing “Pal Of My Cradle Days”, like, this week.
Jessika feat. Jenifer Brening – “Who We Are” (San Marino)
Nearly brilliant. Gets to the chorus and is a bit amazing. But is a bit like that we are the leaders one that Sweden did a few years ago. Possibly no more than a donk remix away from being amazing. Terrible guest rap, obviously.Laura Rizzotto – “Funny Girl” (Latvia)
Absolutely and entirely gorgeous, but dangerously a bit “grower”. Big and swooshy and “boo, bad boyfriend” vibes. Literally very good, but we’re getting to the point where most of the songs have been downtempo, so not sure how it’s going to stand out on the night. Frockwatch, I’m sure, will be on fire.
Ryan O’Shaughnessy – “Together” (Ireland)
Shall I just copy and paste what I wrote about your song being pish last year, Ireland? Seeing as that’s exactly what you’ve done with your pish entry this year, again.Christabella – “Taboo” (Malta)
Gay club anthem deal, but probably needs a banginger mix. A literally substantial chorus. If this song was an attractive human I would emotionally support the hell out of it.
AWS – Viszlát Nyár (Hungary)
The usual fucking metal entry in Eurovision. No wonder their politics are all up in the fash. In fairness metal lyrics sound better in Hungarian than in most languages, but this is bloody Eurovision. Instant ban if I was in charge.
Yianna Terzi – “Oniro Mou” (Greece)
Greece in Greek and she’s a lovely voice and the harmonies are great. Just, again, at this point feeling the need for something banging and up tempo. This is lovely though.Alekseev – “Forever” (Belarus)
It’s a passable stab at this kind of thing. It is not the most offensive thing that has ever happened. Though it kind of feels like it’s a great melody in search of a better singer and another arrangement. I mean, it’s probably pretty telling that it’s not even registering that I could see where it is on the meh-meter.
Saara Aalto – “Monsters” (Finland)
Finally, firmly in the territory of poppers o’clock. Big old chorus, proper dancing music. I’m going to brush over children’s choirs (which are always shit) because it’s a good old fashioned metaphor for coming out and there’s a whole heap of queer folk in the video, so yes. Thankyou Finland for upholding the sacred tradition of properly gay songs at Eurovision.
Cesár Sampson – “Nobody But You” (Austria)
That very eminently forgettable brand of pseudo-nu-soul with a chorus that’s begging to be interrupted by a posh woman asking you if you’re getting returns on your investment portfolio. A rocketship of meh on a mission to mehs.Cláudia Pascoal – “O Jardim” (Portugal)
As with Spain, dangerously srsface. Which is also a shame, as this is lovely. It’s sweet. It may well be the case that by the time it’s on telly it’ll have acquired, like, a Hixxy remix or something. That’d be peng. As it is, it’s alright. But more pimba next time please, Portugal.
Jessica Mauboy – “We Got Love” (Australia)
Actually an actually all right song, but unfortunately Australia aren’t allowed to win until such a time as, like, Kazakhstan or Lebanon are in the competition — so that’s a shame that I just made up that prohibition. Australia’s best form in their three years, but no amount of moderate bangers are going to make me go back on not really wanting them in there at this time.
Waylon – “Outlaw In ‘Em” (The Netherlands)
Utterly facsimile of a very particular form of US country rock. Astonishingly so. This chap was part of the Common Linnets who came second in 2014, which was great. This song is less great. I’ve a strong taste for your Paisleys, McGraws, and Straits, but I remain unconvinced that anyone besides GOP states in the south of the US can pull off country rock. Also very un-Eurovision.SuRie – “Storm” (UK)
Pish. I’m not sure I’ve made it all the way to the end of the song, not once. Does a build up to the chorus then nothing. Pish. But that’s pretty reflective of the state of the UK in 2018.
Franka – “Crazy” (Croatia)
This is all right, so far as these things go. Seemingly bereft of a chorus though, so she’s going to need to go in hard with the frock and or firebreathing twinks for the stage show. There’s a spoken bit, which only ever works in the third verse of country songs, ideally by Dolly or Willy.
Sennek – “A Matter Of Time” (Belgium)
I’m fairly sure this is also the UK’s entry and all the other entries that are forgettable even when they’re playing. I’m not sure I listened to this all the way through, it’s like some sort of repellent magnet that forces me to scratch my balls and make a cuppa.
Elina Nechayeva – “La Forza” (Estonia)
Somehow this feels like cheating. She’s clearly like an actual proper singer and that. Though Jamala in 2016 was Mariah-grade, so it’s certainly got precedent. The piece is all new age swooshes with operatic singing over the top, and the video suggested the stage show will be more than a lot like Cezar‘s from 2013. We’ve seen genuinely amazing singers win this before, so would totes be happy to see this one win, innit.Ari Ólafsson – “Our Choice” (Iceland)
I’m guessing he’ll have to follow the preceding, which is pretty thoroughly shafting him. But that’s OK, because his song is dog’s eggs.
The Humans – “Goodbye” (Romania)
One of those sad songs about saying goodbye and that. That gets a bit Coldplay epic. Better than them though. It’s alright in a Bonnie Tyler credits are happening and it’s all alright in the end kind of way. You know, like One Tree Hill or something. Doesn’t go to far in either direction on the thermometer.
Sanja Illić and Balkanika – “Nova Deca” (Serbia)
Goes everywhere in the way that is typically reserved for FYR Macedonia. Starts off with some utterly gorgeous choral harmony stuff and somehow, Eurovisionly, migrates to eurohouse. Hopefully will be the subject of much musicological discussion in the University of Belgrade.Melovin – “Under The ladder” (Ukraine)
I’m not sure he’s actually someone who should be singing. but he’s quite good looking, so that’s nice for him. He looks a bit “my first goth crush”. Thoroughly and exhaustively meh with a lot of attention to meh detail.
Lea Sirk – “Hvala Ne” (Slovenia)
Quite, quite brilliant in a young person’s dancing music sort of a way. It may also be “sick”, as I understand the young people say now. I should imagine it’ll appear just at fucked o’clock so while it’ll probably have pissed folk moving, it mightn’t vote well. Decent tempo in a field of slovenly currs. Thanks, Slovenia. Incidentally, I think my favourite ever Eurovision track was this one. And that did catastrophically. So take my effusion with a pinch of salt, innit.Rasmussen – “Higher Ground” (Denmark)
Appalling and not even particularly Christian, as much as it tries. Limp and eggy.
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-Kev Nickells-
