As per Freq tradition, Kev Nickells wades into every entry in the 2019 Eurovision Song Contest and ranks them on a slithery sliding scale from rubbish and pish via banging to poppers o’clock.
So here we are, another year and another Eurovision. And what joys await us.
But first — I appreciate that there are a number of people who object entirely to Israel hosting Eurovision as art-washing. I have no doubt that the current government of Israel is a right-wing bastard, and their actions in Palestine largely unforgivable. I’m not going to devote much time to that though — and it’s clear that in writing this I’m being a fence-sitting shite. Mea culpa.
OK. So. Anyway. What are the things that are happening this year in Euroland? Let’s briefly step back to last year’s runner up:
Also unlike a lot of years there’s the faint waft of dissent — most notably from Iceland — so that’s nice. Plenty of countries threatened to back out over it being hosted by Israel, but the official reasons given have all been financial.
If you’re reading this because you’re British and are interested to know about the UK’s entry, I’ll tell you one thing for free: you’re fucking terrible and your country is shit and should fuck off and take your floating silage nest of inept racists with you to fuckoffsgate.
In the order I believe they’ll appear on the night:
Jonida Maliqi – “Ktheju Tokës” (Albania)
It is decreed by the occulted lords of Euroland that a song each year must reach towards the eldritch somethings of Dead Can Dance-esque gothy pop. And lo, this year it is Albania. A friend pointed out that Albania have the most goth flag, so all is right in the world. “Tokës” probably means death, which is cool. Snakebite and black x Enya. Not in English too, which is entirely a winner.Srbuk – “Walking Out” (Armenia)
Hnnng. Nearly amazing. She’s a lovely voice and the vocal touch in the bit before the first chorus is just utterly amazing. An often fatuous rule of thumb is that any song will be improved by a happy hardcore remix; HOWEVER, this is also enough to imagine this song in its final form being a banger. A shame this is, like, the Eurovision version of a good song.
Kate Miller-Heidke – “Zero Gravity” (Australia)
I’m going to forgo my usual blithering about Australia not being in the EBU while Lebanon are and therefore should be in Eurovision. By quite some margin the best singer of the competition. Not the best song of the competition. It’s a weird arrangement, because it keeps cresting a fifth below where it should — meaning that it keeps feeling like there’s another climax coming, but it never does. And it is absolutely not for lack of this woman’s singing ability, which is astonishing. Also nicks Cezár‘s stage setting from 2013.Pænda – “Limits” (Austria)
So I did a smidge of research into some of the singers here other songs. Pænda, it transpires, has had a few certified bangers. She has a lovely voice and some lovely blue hair. This probably isn’t peak Pænda, but having found out how to type the æ character, I’m going to keep doing it — because Pænda deserves it for being a tip-top pop star.
Chingiz – “Truth” (Azerbaijan)
Top points for having a smidge of oud. Pearl hijab in the video is peng. I’ve never been let down by Azerbaijan and this year is no exception. The fact that I’m not that into the song is entirely immaterial because, as I say, the pearl hijab in the video is peng.
ZENA – “Like It” (Belarus)
So this is somehow entirely like a Louise b-side from 1997 and also a banger. That may be because she’s all white trouser-y like folk were in the oldern days. This is an entirely serviceable holiday pop song. Its only setback is that it’s in English, which is not a good language for serviceable holiday pop.Eliot – “Wake Up” (Belgium)
Every year there’s a song that is basically this song. Simultaneously entirely familiar, yet not really memorable. It is principally rubbish and if I told you it was by Sweden you’d probably say “Oh, I see. Right. Well”, in a faintly distracted manner that suggested you couldn’t remember what Swedish Eurovision entries sound like, but perhaps you faintly remembered it wasn’t entirely all that bad really. And you would be wrong because this is insipid tosh.
Roko – “The Dream” (Croatia)
About one in three listens I am so here for this song. The rest I can’t get into it. It has a very cute pronunciation of a “th” sound as a “d” sound. It’s another one that works when you imagine it being remixed by Hixxy or someone and it does eventually arrive at poppers o’clock but, well, it feels a bit like it’s by accident rather than design. This is this year’s recipient of the Eurovision award for having a song called “The Dream”. Well done Croatia, thanks for playing.Tamta – “Replay” (Cyprus)
So this is probably the Fuego-ist song of this year which is fine, because it was Cyprus that invented Fuego and all Fuegory, so it’s only fair. I’m not sure what constitutes Fuego-ness — I’m not Cypriot — but it might be a big build up to a chorus that repeats a word, sparingly. “Heart beats like an 808 / you need my love on replay” is a lyric that very could be terrible, but it is not terrible. The video is worth a go if you’re fond of amazing outfits, one of which is pink and exorbitantly meshy.
Laka Malawi – “Friend Of A friend” (Czechia)
Fuck off. Fucking sounds like he’s from Essex. Fuck off. I don’t care how asininely cute he is. FUCK OFF. Peak intolerable. From fucking Czechia and still aping some fucking estuary twat. Fucking rubbish.
Leonora – “Love Is Forever” (Denmark)
And this year’s Boggy nominee for song that should be incorrigible twee pish but is, in fact, utterly heart-meltingly lovely goes to… She has a lovely smile. I love her. I love this song. It’s literally very swoon. And in a few languages. And it turns out that “L’amour est pour tous jour / Et pour tous les monde” works well in at least three languages. It won’t win, because I love it, but it is lovely and all sorts of swoony.Victor Crone – “Storm” (Estonia)
Possibly one of the strangest things this year is that all of the poppers o’clock numbers are a bit rubbish. This is rubbish. It hits poppers o’clock at about 1m20s, but it’s too late. The soporific yawn of boringly good-looking man nasally pishing on has taken its fatal hold. I mean, why even bother having a poppers o’clock bit if it’s the least important part of the song. Wanker.
Darude feat Sebastian Rejman – “Look Away” (Finland)
This is very close to what you’re imagining it to be if what you’re imagining is a boring man singing and Darude Daruding on a song that isn’t sandstorm. Also if you think it’s shit, then you and I are in cahoots. Namaste. Also somehow avoids being poppers o’clock, despite very clearly having all popper o’clockly elements. Shrug.
Bilal Hissani – “Roi” (France)
I’ve had a punt this year, and this is one of the songs I had a punt on. £5 at 50-1. Astonishing. He is a) gorgeous b) queer as fuck c) a lovely singer. Bilingual, because France will never not sing in French, because they are correct. This has the torch song quality of having a chorus that you can see being belted out down your local gay karaoke on a drab Tuesday, but it’s a bit up tempo-er than Shirley Bassey. Merci to Frankie of the parish Freq:”Quand je rêve je suis un roi” translates to “When I dream, I am a king”, which is entirely lovely.Oto Namsadze – “Keep On Going” (Georgia)
Srsface. There might be some kind of symbolism in the video in that there’s a bunch of folk behind some barbed wire. Drops a Georgian choir later in the song, which is a shame, because they’re nice and it’s not saving a song that is best described as “somewhat, literally, drab”. When I was pissed and listening, my notes said “I live here amongst the shoes”. Shrug.
S!sters – “Sister” (Germany)
This might well be a grower or entirely smashing it on the evening. It’s a very good song, in a kind of Taylor Swift six years ago way. If there were a prize for best Eurovision song that sounds like a very good album track, this would be it. No such prize exists. Don’t be silly. Here’s a thing to notice, Australia: this does a lot more with voices that are (while very good) not as good.Katerine Duska – “Better Love” (Greece)
I’m not sure if it’s because her voice reminds me of Annie Lennox or because it’s not Skylaidiko but… this is a good song, but it’s not the best. Nothing to dislike about it, but that’s also true of Swindon and I’m fucked if I’m going there. Wait. No, I like this song more than I like Swindon. Christ. This has gotten all sorts of damning with faint praise. It’s a good song, OK?
Joci Pápai – “Az Eń Apám” (Hungary)
Speaking of damning with faint praise, the phrase “damning with faint praise” usually indicates that you can’t find a reason to lay into something and use subterfuge or irrelevancy in order to desist from committing to an opinion on something that is basically all right. Not in English (plus points), but features whistling (boo).
Hatari – “Hatrið Mu Sigra” (Iceland)
I have also put a fiver on this. It’s a kind of leather king electroclash number with a shouty verse and a swoony chorus. The one to watch in terms of them potentially using their platform to have a pop at Israel. They have absolutely sewn up the leather gay voting public. Also a key change, which is in short supply this year. I don’t know how you say banger in Icelandic, but if I could say it, I would. Đanger.Sarah McTernan – “22” (Ireland)
Astonishingly, Ireland are not returning to retrieve their crown for submitting the same piss-boring borefest featuring a mildly boring-looking white boy. They have, instead, submitted a pretty all right song with a lovely singer in a kind of faintly retro-ish post-Winehouse thing. This won’t win, but I’m genuinely chuffed to see the auld country submitting something that’s at least defensible.
Kobi Marimi – “Home” (Israel)
Rubbish boring yawn bore rubbish.
Mahmood – “Soldi” (Italy)
Italy as ever deciding to submit something in Italian that has more to do with pop music in general than Eurovision in particular. It’s quite brilliant. Probably won’t win. Not as good as “No Degrees Of Separation” from whenever that was. Some very solid Italy-ing. Plus the guy’s cute, so that helps. Banger.Carousel – “That Night” (Latvia)
This is… something of a parents’ song. It’s good enough, in that torch songy way. The singer has a quite adorable voice. Is probably a bit more Whispering Bob Harris than Eurovision, but the good side of that.
Jurij Veklenko – “Run With The Lions” (Lithuania)
Is it as good as “Feed ‘Em To The Lions”? It is not. And it would still not be as good if EITHER this song featured Wiley singing “Who ate all the pies” OR Wiley hadn’t sung “Who ate all the pies” on that song. The aching chasm of bore in the heart of downtempo.Michela – “Chameleon” (Malta)
I have stuck a fiver on this one. Also in the Feugo box. Chorus the size of Titan. If I were to say the words “absolute fucking belter” to you, would you take them in kind? Because this is an absolute fucking belter. Bonus points: the video is great and looks like it’s a mildly neurotic, uptight typesetters vision of Divine, somehow.
Anna Odobescu – “Stay” (Moldova)
Slow torch songs are not inherently bad, but they have to be about five times the size of space itself to be very good. This is running about 85% banger, which feels unfortunate. I don’t think it’s gaining the extra 15%, but my capacity to change my mind with a banging frock is liberal at best.
D Mol – “Heaven” (Montenegro)
Do you like All Saints b-sides from twenty years ago? Of course you don’t. This is, like, all right y’know?Tamara Todevska – “Proud” (North Macedonia)
So when we were talking about torch songs earlier — this is how you do a torch song. All sorts of “yay, women!” sentiment in the video in all shapes (and frankly the lighter shades). North Macedonia is the newest country, or the country with the newest name at least. And not to be confused with the North of Macedonia, Greece. Terribly confusing business. Don’t think this’ll win, but who knows the magical powers of a banging frock?
KEiiNO – “Spirit In The Sky” (Norway)
Possibly the first Eurovision entry featuring a politician? The fella on the chorus is apparently previously part of the Sami government in Norway. This song works a lot better when you see the video. But it’s pretty cack really. But not peak Norway cack, in that last year’s song was absolutely horse. Another poppers o’clock chorus that isn’t worth celebrating.
Tulia – “Fire Of Love (Pali się)” (Poland)
Biały śpiew (white voice) singing. You will recognise this style of singing from forever, but perhaps you never knew it had a name. It has other names. So these ladies came to the fore with a (very good) cover of Depeche Mode‘s “Enjoy The Silence” which IMO improved on the original (which does nothing to cover its criminal lyrics). Anyway. This is probably the most “traditional”-y song this year, but it’s also pretty much a pop song. Very good. Poland always worth watching, innit. Top marks for the video, which is somewhere between pisstake and arthouse.Conan Osiris – “Telemóveis” (Portugal)
And so we come to what can literally be described by me as the best thing that has ever happened. I’ve probably listened to this four bazillion times and it still is insisting on not making sense. The harmonies are well off. The singing is somehow massively understated and all over the place at the same time. If the song wasn’t utterly amazing, Conan’s dancer would still make this the best thing. If Conan’s dancer and the song weren’t already the most amazing thing the outfits and props would quite literally destroy the world.
I cannot express how utterly fucking weird this is for a Eurovision song. I have put a fiver on it, which seems ridiculous. No way it’ll win, because it is quite the weirdest thing. Absolute four million percent banger. And, like, well worth checking out the rest of his stuff, because this is far from a fluke but seems to be a fully-fledged what the literally fuck genre that he’s invented for himself. BANGEST.Ester Peony – “On A Sunday” (Romania)
The verse melody is very “Wayfarin’ Stranger”. This is an average pop song. A shame that it comes after Portugal because, like, everything in life is somewhat deflated until I go to listen to it again.
Sergey Lazarev – “Scream” (Russia)
Rubbish. Russia? Rubbishia more like. Second favourite for the bookies. Twats.Serhat – “Say Na Na Na” (San Marino)
Rubbish. San Marino? San Rubbishino more like.
Nevena Bozožvić – “Kruna” (Serbia)
Torchey gorgeous thing that might be terrible. Bilingual, slow. Big chorus. First sighting of a knuckle-duster in a video for this year as well, so that can win the award for the first sighting of a knuckle-duster in a Eurovision video, 2019.
Zala Kralj and Gašper Šantl – “Sebi” (Slovenia)
One of those dreamy opiated Dido things that sounds like a hangover that can’t decide if it’s tragic or dopey. It is lovely but scoring highly — or, uh, lowly — on the understated scale. Basically the sort of music you’d want to have playing if you were running some sort of mobile phone shop slash heroin den.Miki – “La Venda” (Spain)
Solid Spaining. Absolute shitting fuck the bollock up banger. Suspect the dancers will be all out for this one. Up-bloody-tempo shouty chorus and proper popping. We might not have long left on this green earth, but at least Spain can still throw out a belter.
John Lundvik – “Too Late For Love” (Sweden)
So perhaps the biggest shock of the year is that Ireland are not defending their fielding insipid horsepiss crown. All hail the new kings.
Luca Hänni – “She Got Me” (Switzerland)
FUCKING RUBBISH. It’s written by someone’s uncle. It’s that kind of sexy that makes you want to go and lick something mouldy, just to feel a bit less disgusted. Absolute incel outfit on him. All right chorus, but largely the on basis that (Feugo-style) he doesn’t really sing. There’s no bigger turn off than the word “freaky” and I for one am not going to bother to check if this song uses it before decrying it for using the word “freaky”.Duncan Laurence – “Arcade” (The Netherlands)
Bookies’ favourite. Fucking rubbish. Shut up bookies, you massive babies. You’re rubbish.
Michael Rich – “Bigger Than Us” (United Kingdom)
The UK is a rubbish country. It is rubbish at being a country. It is rubbish at not having fucked over most of the world. It is rubbish at politics. It is rubbish. This rubbishness is obliquely, but clearly, referenced by this song insofar as it is fucking rubbish.
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-Kev Nickells-
