Eurovision 2022

Even in the midst of the continent’s most devastating war in half a century or more, the Eurovision Song Contest sails on; and what better than having Kev Nickells take on the annual task of examining and occasionally eviscerating each nation’s entry in all the detail such a cultural monument deserves.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. In a year that Europe has been pretty shaken — even if you ignore Russia invading Ukraine there’s still the not-insignificant issues of Le Pen on the rise, Orbán still in the offing, Johnson continuing to be an absolute shed who still doesn’t threaten to leave power, supply chain fuckups and the whole imminent earth-on-fire scenario, very etc.

So Eurovision this year feels pretty subdued — the tempos are largely slower, the outfits are threatening to be a lot less flouncey (with a few exceptions — big up Australia). Nevertheless, it’s a really strong field — there are only so many OH JUST FUCK OFF entries and only one of them (Latvia) is unbearably so.

Russia were ousted from the competition this year after a few countries (Denmark, Sweden, Iceland, Lithuania, Norway, Netherlands, Poland, Ukraine, Finland, Estonia) kicked up a stink, quite rightly. It happens most years that various campaigns to keep Russia out are mounted, but the situation escalated to quite a degree this year. Similar campaigns are usually mounted against Israel as well, but no serious signs of them being disincluded so far this year.

Bookies’ favourite for 2022 are Ukraine and that’s a pretty direct reflection of the political situation. A real shame that Ukraine’s entry was the second pick and, like, isn’t that good — unlike last year’s blinder from GO_A. But if Ukraine does win, it’ll be for non-musical reasons and with my non-musical hat on, I’m OK with that.

For the purposes of this year though, I will be fabricating Italian heritage because [spoiler] I just love their entry this year, as I will squee about presently.

Without further ado…

Ukraine – Kalush Orchestra – “Stefania”

Kalush Orchestra was Ukraine’s second choice — the actual national winner and better-song-performer Alina Pash was disqualified over having entered Crimea — to do with rules that’ve been in place for Ukranian entries since 2019. For reasons that became painfully obvious this year, Ukraine’s relationship with Russia has been hugely politicised.

So anyway — despite the will of the bookies being with Kalush Orchestra, this is an absolutely “will-this-do?” “ethnic music” + hip-hop beats type number. Like I can’t fault Europe for putting their weight behind Ukraine for political reasons, but musically this is limp and perfunctory.

Austria – LUM!X featuring Pia Maria – “Halo”

Proper banger. As with a load of pop music in 2022 it’s kind of a verse which leads into several variations on a chorus. I’m OK with that. They are a man / woman duo and they both are cute as a litany of buttons and look like they enjoy making pop music and dancing. I’m hoping for a repeat of the giddy neon of the video for the performance and it’s got the fist pumping YES LADS affirmative “you can do this” vibes that is strongly very Eurovision. Shout out LUM!X.

Netherlands – S10 – “De Diepte”

I don’t know if people have much need for a category of adult-oriented pop in 2022’s topsy-turvy world of fascism and neo-imperialism; but if they do, this’d be it. Pretty young woman looks sad and sings in Dutch about being sad in some fashion (I could look up the translation but I am strongly not that fussed) — I like this kind of thing and this is not a bad instance.

I’m not sure what about this is Eurovision-specific — it’s a long way from being massively and obviously gay as hell — but as a slice from the Dutch pop cake I am ready for another portion.

Albania – Ronela Hajati – “Sekret”

So Hajati is a singer I’ve heard a few singles from and she owns a row of houses in bangertown. This song has undergone a few revisions since winning the national competition — so where the first draft was a relatively generic rappy-verse / big singerly chorus, the final version is a lot more “hello this is what Albanian pop is like”.

Emphasising the Balkan-by-digital elements, plenty of very silly hair in the video, a somewhat larger chorus. The performance is liable to be ridiculous. I gather Hajati is in that mould of pop singers who support LGBTQ+ rights. This is a lot more, uh, poppy than Hajati’s typical fare and I am OK with that. If it doesn’t win (it probably won’t) then hopefully it’ll push Hajati into Europe’s consciousness because she is literally alright by me.

UK – Sam Ryder – “Space Man”

As far as UK entries go this is not entirely execrable. I gather it’s got a lot of traction on Tik Tok. Probably because it’s another lead-in verse -> loads of chorus. Bookies look upon it favourably. If it sounds like I’m damning it with faint praise, then you, my friend, are an astute measurer of my damnability vis-a-vis this song. Meh.

Sweden – Cornelia Jakobs – “Hold Me Closer”

More adult-oriented pop. As ever with Sweden it’s a strong contender — all swoopy strings and torch song business. Terminal karaoke bleary farewell vibes.

Winner of Orginisation Générale des Amateurs de l’Eurovision pre-Eurovision vote (a confederacy of forty Eurovision fan clubs), so comes with some strong backing. I’m not fully behind it, but should it win I would not rend myself thrashing nor writhe with sorrow.

Serbia – Konstrakta – “In Corpore Sano”

If I describe it as in that confluence of pop by (relatively) older people that is somehow a bit Björk, you’d know what I mean, right? Right. So it’s great and she’s clearly cool.

Lyrics (in Serbian, wahey) are some kind of surrealist meditation on health obsessions so she gets feminist points. I’m pretty sure hot arty mum vibes are very in with the lesbian crowd, so there’s a raft of votes right there. I think in practical terms this’ll get sidelined because of how Eurovision is, but I’m pretty down with this tune.

France – Alvan And Ahez – “Fulenn”

Part of the charter for Eurovision insists that one song each year must be a folk-ish tune in a minority language given an electro rendering and here is France, singing in Breton. So shout out France for that.

Extra points for this being a cold banger — an inheritor perhaps to last year’s GO_A. France is typically belligerently singing in not-English, so I’m glad they’ve added an extra dimension to their refusing to sing in English. Top marks, big up France.

Armenia – Rosa Linn – “Snap”

Another edict of the Eurovision charter is the Runrig-y stompy drums choir-y chorus number. As is usually the case I end up being quite into it. It’s in the realm of breakup songs and I’m wagering it won’t set Eurovision on fire, but it’ll comfortably singe the edges a bit.

Spain – Chanel – “SloMo”

Every year since 2018 there’s been an entry that’s a bit like Cyprus’s entry “Feugo”, and here is this year’s “Feugo”. It — and I can’t emphasise this enough – slaps as fuck. In my capacity as unofficial sometime predictor of songs that will probably be popular in parochial gay clubs, this has my unofficial predicty senses tingling.

The national selection choreography was well good and I’m sure there will be even more arse-centric dancing for the on-the-night performance. In most years I’d be swooning all over this as my favourite. However…

Italy – Mahmood And Blanco – “Brividi”

… this is absolutely the best fucking thing. It’s gay as hell! It’s a torch song! It’s, like, explicitly a duo between two men talking about a relationship! This isn’t an allusion to gay relationships, but actually a duo between two men. I repeat myself because, even within the “gay Christmas” of Eurovision, this is very unusual.

It’s a beautiful song (subtitles on) about relationship tensions and love — “and I’d buy a pearl sky for you”. God I just love it. This is Mahmood‘s second bite at the Eurovision pie, I think now as a more successful Italian popstar. Absolutely the best fucking thing. Bookies have had this as second favourite (after Ukraine) since it was announced and I can’t see any reason to contradict that. Peak Eurovision, peak pop.

Romania – WRS – “Llámeme”

It is, somewhat, a perfunctory dance number with a cute enough boy singing and dancing. Sexual ambiguity in the dancing — which I am here for. Shout out Romania, but also I’m sorry, you’re next to Italy in this list because that’s a big ole shadow to be underneath.

Belgium – Jérémie Makiese – “Miss You”

Cute well-dressed boy sings lovely slow song that’s, perhaps, a bit George Michael soulful run through 2022 pop production. It’s one of those oddities in that it doesn’t really hit with me; but I can’t fault it. That might make it sound workaday and I guess it is, uncharitable as that makes me feel.

Cyprus – Andromache – “Ela”

Um, so I don’t know, holiday disco number with swoopy vocals and a faint feeling of sadly staring at the person you quite fancy who doesn’t speak the same language as you and maybe seeing if you can get another couple of drinks in before closing although you’re not really that bothered and you’ve had a fair amount already and the flight’s leaving tomorrow and I’d best not think about how much I spent on this holiday just to end up in the hotel disco every night.

That kind of vibe.

Greece – Amanda Georgiadi Tenfjord – “Die Together”

Recent updates to the Eurovision charter include a need for a Billie Eilish-esque number and here we are. It’s a very spare arrangement, a hair’s breath from acapella initially, building up to a big stompy bit.

I can imagine someone has at least pitched massive drums and stage rain for the performance. Greece is pretty consistently good at Eurovision and this is no exception to my feelings of like towards them.

Azerbaijan – Nadir Rustamli – “Fade To Black”

A fine voice. The ubiquitous hint of duduk. A well-worn beard. Torch song sadness. Eastern Europe (or west Asia, depending on preference) is clearly SAD this year. I guess some small irony in that his name is Nadir then. Some crowd-pleasing high notes abound. Yes lad.

Lithuania – Monika Liu – “Sentimental”

Somewhere in the realm of kind of neo-chanson, although there’s a chance that’s just her haircut (very good, top marks) and shimmery dress. Possibly also a bit post-Amy Winehouse. A very likeable song that may end up a bit middle order and may have the misfortune of being a “grower” — misfortune because it’s a song that deserves to do well.

But what do I know, I’m just a simple farmhand from the West Country.

Israel – Michael Ben David – “IM”

Cute guy, proper disco number. Very glamourous video and absolutely the kind of thing you can imagine your favourite local drag queen absolutely butchering, in the draggest possible way. There was talk of this not being entered due to a strike in Israel’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs, but that’s apparently been resolved (and let’s hope in favour of the strikers, because up the strikers, always).

I’m not sure I’m 100% behind this song — and I always feel the need to do a load of qualifying around enjoying Israel because, y’know, the reasons — but I like that it’s culturally absolutely a song for the gay men and it is they for whom God created Eurovision.

Montenegro – Vladana – “Breathe”

I feel like “Breathe” is a very Eurovision title. And here we are with an entirely predictable big swoopy number with a big chorus. Usually performed by a big woman with an amazing frock, but Vladana breaking convention here. An enjoyable song and a very Eurovision song. It’s not going to upset the applecart but sometimes you need a good stable applecart to transport your apples. To Eurovision. For some reason in this metaphor.

Portugal – MARO – “Saudade Saudade”

Mercifully, Portugal have abandoned the sadboy cod-Winehouse schtick from a few years ago when they won. What they have turned in instead is something quite delicate and affecting with lush vocal harmonies and a nice amount of clapping. I feel like this won’t capture the Euro-imagination — it’s a bit sensible pop for people who usually like classical and very good in that niche, but that hasn’t classically killed with Eurovision audiences.

If anyone in Portugal is reading, I must insist you submit a pimba number next year pls.

Australia – Sheldon Riley – “Not The Same”

Oh, something I meant to mention earlier — eurovision.tv now includes a section on performer pronouns for ease of use. I got strong they / them pronoun vibes from this, but I was wrong, he’s a he/him.

This is a well dramatic number and absolutely gushing with emo-queer vim and flounce, not to mention some gorgeous outfit business. I’m still not OK with Australia being in Eurovision (as I say most years, expand east please — truly the people want a Turkmen entry in 2023), but this is very Eurovision; so Australia do at least respect the old ways.

San Marino – Achille Lauro – “Stripper”

Last year’s winner was, for me, a limp take on reviving the glam stomper. This is a lot firmer. The brilliantly-named Achille looks to have drunk heavily from the Iggy Pop school of dancing on the brink of whipping his cock out and is strongly in that category of being absolutely fancied and slightly feared by Christian mothers Europe-wide.

It is an entirely generic glam stomper, but it is not a bad one. And, like, he’s well hot. I don’t know if it’ll win because it’s kind of transparently similar to last year’s winner; but who knows, in this crazy old world we call Eurovision 2022?

Bulgaria – Intelligent Music Project – “Intention”

Oh love no. Predictably after a rock band won last year there’s at least one pissweak generic rock number this year. I can’t actually place what this song is — it’s a bit NWOBHM, and also not — but it’s definitely something you’ve heard a million times and entirely disregarded.

If someone told me that their guitarist once played in a band that opened for Iron Maiden in ’86 I would be neither surprised nor interested.

Poland – Ochman – “River”

It’s not a terrible song. It’s not a great one. Poland has a massive well of great pop music — whether its hip-hop-y pop or Disco Polo — and yet they still elect to submit something that’s has the quality of sounding exactly like a pop song you can’t be bothered with from 2022. Every year, it seems, they do this.

Come on Poland, surely it’s time to give Szpilki a go with a song that’s almost certainly about blowjobs.

North Macedonia – Andrea – “Circles”

AOP again and not terrible for it. More sad and slow numbers — I’m sure you can measure the extent to which the east of Europe is under siege by the mood of this year’s field. “We’re running in circles”, breakup number. I’m OK with it, but it’s a bit more “pop music in general” than it is Eurovision-specific. I wish Andrea all the best in her future relationships and hope she has better reports next time our paths cross, musicwise.

Norway – Subwoolfer – “Give That Wolf A Banana”

From folk I’ve chatted to this has been fairly well-received, which makes me feel quite miserly for not enjoying it. It’s an alright dance-y pop number about, probably, gay sex and that’s right and just. I just don’t really like this song. Sorry Norway.

Moldova – Zdob şi Zdub & Advahov – “Treneţul”

Absolute banger. It’s an outlier — a strongly Balkan dance number which I want to lazily label hora without actually knowing what that means. Breakneck fiddle, accordion and (I think) cimbalum, no signs of spraytan digital beats. One imagines they’ll turn in a pretty charismatic performance on the night. Big up Moldova.

Switzerland – Marius Bear – “Boys Do Cry”

No signs that Marius is, in fact, a bear in any sense. He’s clean-shaven and thin and I have no evidence that he shits in the woods. So far as the slow sad torchsong-y numbers, which are legion this year, this is in the upper realms.

I wonder with all of these slower numbers if this won’t get lost — it’s a fairly standard arrangement and I can’t imagine the performance being much beyond a kind of piano + stool affair. But you can’t go wrong with a sentiment like “Boys Do Cry”, so I’d be OK if this goes over the line.

Malta – Emma Muscat – “I Am What I Am”

Another song that by rights should be song by a big woman in an amazing frock, but I’ll take conventionally attractive young women in a very sharp trouser suit. The chartered united-colours-of-Benneton video of diverse people being who they are for a song called I am what I am. Classic Eurovision affirmative “woo! You go girl!” stuff and a banging singer.

I’m here for it and it’s mid-tempo, which this year is an oddity. Poor sad, slow Europe. Yay Ms Muscat.

Ireland – Brooke – “That’s Rich”

Another Euro-mandated trope of the “boo, men!” type. I’m here for it. We can safely say the dogshit cokey haircut on a stool years are behind the auld country, sher they are.

It’s an electro-pop number, her eyebrow game is ON and there’s one of those money gun things in the video (I REALLY want one of them). Despite being born and raised in England, I’m increasingly inclined towards leaning on my Irish heritage the last few years and here’s another tick in that box.

Finland – The Rasmus – “Jezebel”

As I say, the problem with last year’s winner is that it opens the floodgates for more pissweak rock music. And who but Finland was going to jump on that with both feet. You may remember The Rasmus for being forgettable and faintly misogynistic twenty years ago and boy howdy do they remain entirely not worth listening to. Boy fucking howdy.

Czech Republic – We Are Domi – “Lights Off”

Electro-pop number — dunno how popular this will be on the night of Eurovision, but I could imagine it having a life as a pop hit for the bulk of Europe. It’s a lovely sounding track – some proper attention to fleshy synth sounds. The BLACKPINK style of chorus — ie, build-up to a single line — and an entirely consummate pop tune 2022. Shout out Czechia.

Iceland – Systur – “Međ Hækkandi Sól”

Peak Guardian mum rock and also peak non-threatening fashion. Lovely, in its way, and definitely the one you’d put on a playlist for your dear mother who you don’t get to spend enough time with and should probably ring one evening next week. I only hope it doesn’t get co-opted by TERFs, though that’s also true for most things these days.

Estonia – Stefan – “Hope”

If there was a dartboard with “background music for a post-Breaking Bad, but not as good, TV show for nice enough men called David”, this song would be a bullseye. I’m glad no such dartboard exists, not least for the futility of the endeavour, but I’m happy enough for this song to exist for all the dads watching.

Germany – Malik Harris – “Rockstars”

I find something very peculiar, yet uninteresting, about a young German man who elects to cat Eminem‘s flow from twenty-odd years ago. I’m sure Malik is a nice enough chap, but I’m not convinced the ballad / pop-rap hybrid is interesting or good. In that sense Germany are filling a gap left by the UK this year for a song that just needs to fuck off and stop taking the piss out of Eurovision.

Denmark – Reddi – “The Show”

It’s a woman on a piano – but wait! [spoiler] — it’s actually a rollicking rock bop group with all affirmative “you go, girl!” lyrics. What a diversion! Outfits are strongly Eurovision. Chorus is strongly big. It’s pop-rock but not shit. I’m here for it. Shout out Reddi.

Latvia – Citi Zēni – “Eat Your Salad”

Ersatz funk. Opening line is “instead of meat / I eat salad and pussy”. This song can absolutely fuck off. “Bend over then jiggle that peach / You’re recycling while I’m loving those cheeks”. Fuckboy anthem. Fuck off.

Georgia – Circus Mircus – “Lock Me In”

Speaking of fucking off. This isn’t quite as odious as the preceding but… well, if I was feeling generous (I’m not), I could say this approximates the kind of prog-tinged pop of ELO, but as it is it’s strongly freighted with dog’s egg whimsy and irony for me such that, to repeat, it can fuck off.

An earlier version of the video was just a caption like “this video is not available due to Russia invading Ukraine”, which I have a lot of respect for; but that has changed since Russia was withdrawn.

Slovenia – LPS – “Disko”

More ersatz funk (the disko of the title is misleading, I’d argue). Not as odious as Latvia, but not particularly captivating. The singer is cute, but no amount of hot men can polish this diamondwards, sadly.

Croatia – Mia Dimšić – “Guilty Pleasure”

It’s a cute acoustic-y number which leans into that post-Taylor Swift world of sharply-observed pop music about complex relationships. Lovely, in its way. Unfortunately the precedent with this sort of stuff is that Taylor is incredible and the facsimile rarely works for me (a big glaring exception being ManuElla‘s “Blue And Red” for Slovenia in 2016).

That’s not to decry this tune by any means, but at the end of this list, in a strong field, this slips down the rankings for my money.

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