Eurovision 2025

Following on from his run-down of the 2025 national qualifiers, Kev Nickells casts a beady  ear over the entries for this year’s Eurovision Song Contest, as is traditional.

The most wonderful time of the year, once more.

With that said — it’s a cracking year. There’s a lot of trance. There’s a dearth of too-slow cack. I think all the proper tropes of this century are in place. English is slipping from the position as language of choice for much of Europe, which doubtless reflects a belief in a new internationalism; or if nothing else, reflects the dogged incapacity of Europeans to imagine a world beyond liberal paralysis.

It’s got silly, it’s got sad, it’s got belters, it’s got goths. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Happy gay Christmas, one and all.

Shkodra Elektronike – “Zjerm” | Albania

Goth queen with a very Berlin fringe does number with big drums, swoopy strings, handclaps. In Albanian. Inexplicable spoken part by some chap. It’s very par for the Eurovision course, but if traditions are not to be upheld, then what are we as a people? Hopefully an early sighting of hot lads drumming on big drums topless.

Parg – “Surivor” | Armenia

It’s a stompy glam number which became a Eurotrope at some point (perhaps with those Italian jitters a few years ago). He’s not offensively good looking, but the song is not the one. I’m hoping the metal sleeve (as in, a sleeve that seems to be made of metal) stays. I’m not sure if it’s the song or the wide trousers, but feels very late ’90s.

Go-Jo – “Milkshake Man” | Australia

Absolute nonsense in the best possible way. In that realm of neo-’80s synthy business. Big throbbing synths throughout in a way that was very much on the cusp of acid in the ’80s. A very silly and wafer-thin metaphor with ‘milkshake man’. Sordid and camp; maybe Australia’s best so far.

JJ – “Wasted Love” | Austria

And because everything is a trope in Eurovision, here we have the standard songs with operatic affectations. Some impossibly high notes because that’s how it works. Importantly it cedes from being a middling floaty number to poppers o’clock stomper, as is right and just. First half of the song is not the one, but the second half very much makes up for it.

Mamagama – “Run With U” | Azerbaijan

Tick the box marked ‘Harvester funk’. I often wonder why I’ve got it into my head that Harvester funk is a thing. This has a wee drop of some sort of saz (or similar), but that does not stop it from being the kind of funk that is divested of dirt and sex and the sound ‘hnnnng’ (which is, let’s be honest, not funky at all).

Red Sebastian – “Strobe Lights” | Belgium

Absolutely and steadfastly gay to a very high degree, as is correct. It’s perhaps something of a neo-NRG number with a soupçon of trance. Does not need a remix which, honestly, is the highest regard I can hold a song in. It won’t win but it should. Belter as fuck.

Marko Bošnjak – “Poison Cake” | Croatia

It’s the cute emo boy doing a kind of poppy / industrial number, which is more typically representative of Nordic countries. But Croatia have been all over the last years. Smidges of religious imagery and drum’n’bass and an odd jazz-ish breakdown. Threatens to have some exciting choreography which I welcome to make up for the song that picks up the tempo too late.

Theo Evan – “Shh” | Cyprus

Cyprus typically punch above their weight, considering they’re a small country on the edge of the continent and not part of bastard imperialist Europe. This is a most enjoyable ‘cute boy camp trance’ number and the choreography threatens to involve a lot of dancers and lifting. Spoiler warning — a very well-concealed fake ending. Shout out Cyprus.

Adonxs – “Kiss Kiss Goodbye” | Czechia

It’s the big swoopy number by a chap with a lovely range (whatever happened to men with lower voices?). As with many of the songs this year, has a B part that’s more of a dance number. My suspicion is that the largeness of the arrangement will be more devastating on the night, but for now it’s not short of vim and drama.

Sissal – “Hallucination” | Denmark

More big singer / trance number vibes. I guess with Loreen winning twice with that sort of fare, that’s a mainstay of the Eurovisions now. I worry that this is a good tune that’ll get drowned out by a lot of similar but perhaps more stage-y numbers this year. Not terrible, that’s where I’m at.

Tommy Cash – “Espresso Macchiato” | Estonia

Cash is one of those who already has some degree of notoreity in the pop world — I’m still not always comfortable that musicians who are already (moderately) successful in the competition, but also he’s not a European household name. It’s a decent enough song and seems to be doing alright in the build-up on the socials. Bit of a novelty song which is always dangerous at Eurovision, but there are worse crimes in this world we call 2025.

Erika Vikman – “Ich Komme” | Finland

My pick of the year. Without speaking Finnish it’s very clearly about orgasms, from the building intensity of the tune to the inexplicable goo-dancing in the video (which may cede to a riding-thing-like-a-cock in the performance on the night). It’s fucking preposterous and an absolute belter and she’s a fucking excellent performer.

Importantly it’s closer to hardcore than trance. Regular readers and owners of ears will doubtless know that happy hardcore is the best music, so that proximity is imperative. Absolute belter.

Louane – “Maman” | France

France are implacably French, as ever. Strings and a big singer singing a big song bigly. Tugging at the heartstrings. Not perhaps the best thing that’s ever happened, but certainly ticking the box marked “the French will be entirely predictable and that’s OK”.

Mariam Shengelia – “Freedom” | Georgia

Very excellently difficult to position this. Something like a Georgian ballad remix of “O Superman” for the verse and then of course a jazzy swoony big dress chorus. Key changes, big strings, very obviously programmed drums. All of the drama.

It seems a shame to note that I suspect it’ll be voted down for being a complex and swerving arrangement — possibly the ‘great song, not a Eurovision song’ song (which happens every Eurovision because paradoxes can be tropes too).

Abor and Tynna – “Baller” | Germany

Probably my runner-up for this year, which probably means it’ll be bottom ten as Germany are oft wont. Close to the world of hyperpop bratty belters (cf Charlie XCX). Best German entry for yonks and probably more pop-2025 than anything else (which is also very ’90s because that’s the world we live in). Very stupid staging which is a strong plus for me.

Klavdia – “Asteromáta” | Greece

The slow preponderous big drums song in Greek with touches of throaty synths number. Building with one of those quite blurry notions of which part is the chorus. It’s lovely and it’s got all sorts of Grecian touches; but as with Georgia I’d worry that it’s a mite subtle for the Eurocrowds.

Væb – “Röa” | Iceland

Two lads with stupid sunglasses doing the electro pop business. As per the rules of Iceland in Eurovision — BDSM electro or cardigan indie — these are BDSM electro. I’m not sure how the BDSM bit fits, but Iceland rarely deviate. Has some distinctly Celtic fiddling in amongst the constantly-shifting arrangement, but stays firmly in the uptempo electro belter domain. They’re also observing the oft-forgotten rule of key changes in Eurosongs — so big up yoursleves, Væb.

Emmy – “Laika Party” | Ireland

Following Bambie Thug last year, Ireland have once again fielded a tune that’s not pigshit. Ostensibly this is about Laika, the first dog in space, but I’m sure proper analysis will reveal it’s about drugs and fucking because pop music isn’t ready for songs that aren’t about drugs and fucking. Again, somewhere in the realm of trance belter with hardcore fringing — and more power — but might get lost in the trance-heavy field.

Yuval Raphael – “New Day Will Rise” | Israel

Big tune, nice enough singer. A shame to be attached to a country that really shouldn’t be in the competition and, arguably, serving as part of the hasbara. As is often the case, I’m glad it’s not a banger so I don’t have to have complex feelings.

Lucio Corsi – “Volevo Essere Un Duro” | Italy

Something of a personal disappointment insofar as there were a load of better entries in San Remo (the Italian qualifiers for Eurovision / longest-standing song competition in Europe). It’s a bit ballad with touches of Beatlesian string, which is to say it’s bobbling at pop music’s low tide being rigorously adequate. Dresses like David Bowie so, y’know, yawn.

Tautumeitas – “Bur Man Laimi” | Latvia

The white voice (or Dead Can Dance) tune. Not a country typically noted for Slavic influence, but here we are (I gather that there is a substantial Slavic population in Latvia, so shrug). Because the GO_A rule (white voice singing must be a bit like GO_A, who represented Ukraine in ’20/’21) is in place.

It’s got electro arrangements. It’s very lovely — perhaps missing the savage edge that pushed GO_A into the canon of Eurovision legend; but might vote highly given the glut of trance.

Katarsis – “Tavo Akys” | Lithuania

I imagine this is what Radio 6 sounds like, though I never listen. Tick box marked ‘mardy indie boy’. Is a bit epic and strongly committed to not appealing to me.

Laura Thorn – “La Poupée Monte Le Son” | Luxembourg

A controversial number insofar as it’s better than the French number and in French. Luxembourg return after some thirty years of not being in the competition with a number that references their first win. It’s an absolute belter that sups heavily at the Mylène Farmer cup and you really should know that Farmer is the best at French pop since Jacques Brel.

A welcome and outstanding return that threatens to make me forget about tax-havens.

Miriana Conte – “Serving” | Malta

The tune that’s very much captured social media because it includes the word ‘cunt’. They’ve had to modify the tune because the UK got all uppity about it. The caprice is the chorus of “serving kant” (where kant is Maltese for ‘dance’) which is fucking excellent. So they removed the offending word from the chorus. And yet already everyone in the audience is filling in the elliptical “serving …” of the chorus with ‘cunt’.

I am all caps ABSOLUTELY here for songs with ‘cunt’ in the chorus. It’s a low bar and yet here we are, the first Eurovision song with a paper-thin caprice to deliver an audience shouting “cunt”. Top cunting marks, Malta.

Nina Žižić – “Dobrodošli” | Montenegro

Is now the time to say that it’s a pretty top year this year? A dearth of cack. This also isn’t cack. It’s the slow strings-y woman singing probably about men making sadness all over or something. Lots of hand gestures and Bond-theme allusions. A welcome contrast in a field of largely uptempo numbers, which is the right way around.

Claude – “C’est La Vie” | Netherlands

Another lad with a lower voice and the third sighting of singing in French (and also English). Into the realm of uptempo holiday number (in the chorus at least). A lightly inoffensive song that’s made a lot more palatable with the gorgeously bouncy dancing that gives the distinct impression that Claude‘s body doesn’t feature bones.

Kyle Alessandro – “Lighter” | Norway

The stage setting looks like Lordi but the song is closer to Fuego (Cyprus, 2018), which is a relief as that trope hasn’t shown its face this year. Smidges of nickelharpa (I think) in the breakdown and I imagine the staging will go a bit BTS closer to the night. I stand to be entertained by the performance while the song is somewhat milquetoast, to my mind.

Justyna Steczkowska – “Gaja” | Poland

Goth queen and something that’s closer to orthodox gothing than Albania. A gorgeously quavery voice, big chorus. Very Slimelight and a lot of PVC on stage. Poland are always a bit to one side of Eurovision and I’m hoping this can be a big one, but I suspect that it’ll fall short. And to repeat something I’ve probably been saying for a decade, Poland need to put in some bloody Disco Polo. Queer goth Europe will be all over this and good for them.

Napa – “Deslocado” | Portugal

Portugal made the mistake of winning with a fey boy playing nice songs and so every other entry is that. And here we are with a fey boy singing a nice song. Note that the adjective ‘nice’ does not share conceptual boundaries with the adjective ‘good’ or its synonyms. Worrying second showing of Beatlesian pish.

Gabry Ponte – “Tutta L’Italia” | San Marino

Yeah, so it’s alright and I’m sure lots of people stomping on stage will be a lark; but it’s probably a bit close to generic dance-pop to properly pique my interest. Nationalism is not a good sentiment for songs if they’re not by Tadhgs and while I’m sure this guy’s Catholic I doubt he knows anyone familiar with armalites.

Princ – “Mila” | Serbia

Not living up to his namesake-minus-one Prince. I mean who could. A slow ballad, but his voice isn’t quite non-generic enough for me to take an interest and the mum-metal chorusy bits aren’t the one. Still, a smidge of contrast’ll be a laugh on the night if it makes it through semis.

Klemen – “How Much Time Do We Have Left” | Slovenia

Another case where there were much better songs in the qualifiers for Slovenia and it’s difficult to get past that. I very much resent this having dead impressive staging, because it’s masking an absolute will-this-do? nothing of a ballad.

Melody – “Esa Diva” | Spain

Songs with “Diva” in the title are surely good omens (cf “Diva” by Dana International, Israel 1998). There’s wee threats of neo-flamenco and (obvs) a big driving kick drum. Very gay club, very Spain in Eurovision, because sometimes boxes are worth ticking. Another one with an existing moderately successful career; but it’s a banger, so I’m OK with it.

Kaj – “Bara Bada Bastu” | Sweden

I think bookies’ favourite (at least at some point prior to the competition). Lots of hilarious national stereotype outfits, lyrics about saunas, and I appreciate that that’s a bit of camp that a lot of people love about Eurovision, but for me it’s tacky shite. It being bookies’ favourite shows you how closely my opinion tracks to the popular Europublic though.

Zoë Më – “Voyage” | Switzerland

Titleholders Switzerland turn in an pretty nice wee song in that Pomme vein. Another French number, which might be the most French songs in one year — for the last twenty-odd years at least. I doubt they’ll be Irelanding to a second win in a row, but it’s a lush wee number with some nice soaring vocal melody lines.

Ziferblat – “Bird Of Pray” | Ukraine

Ukraine isn’t ever a country to be dismissed — one of the more successful Eurovision countries of this century. I’m keen to dismiss this entry as it’s pretty weak. His vocals remind me of Perry Farrell, the outfits are some flower-power throwback and the song has limp indie all over it.

Remember Monday – “What The Hell Just Happened?” | United Kingdom

Uncharacteristically for the UK this song doesn’t make me want to eat my own cochleas. Is very performance-y and the song is all over the place. It’s not Girls Aloud‘s “Biology” — which, I’ll remind you, is absolutely the best thing that happened in life ever — but it’s looking at that song in awe.

Has about five parts and I’m not sure which one is the chorus, which will almost certainly mean it’s either a massive success or in the bottom rungs. And that’s good — no one wants to be middle of the league.

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