With virtually every public event in Europe and beyond cancelled, postponed or taking place on screens only, it comes as no surprise that the Eurovision Song Contest 2020 will not appear as a live and direct spectacle from Rotterdam to a billion television sets this May; but never fear, for Kev Nckells is still going to give each and every entrant into the non-happening competition a thoroughly superficial and mercilessly frank grilling, as his annual wont.
Another year, another Eurovision. The event itself isn’t actually happening but, let’s be honest, the important thing is the music, man.
We are, of course, devastated that there’ll be no mention of Terry Wogan‘s phenomenal schlong, frock-watch or recreations of that notorious Eurovision sex party. But this is gay Christmas and Jesus did not invent Grindr only for people to not celebrate Eurovision.This year’s field is actually probably a bit limp. There’s not too much that’s excruciatingly appalling, but there’s a lot of downtempo generic Eurovision songs. And there’s perhaps fewer FUCK YES bangers than previous years. Nevertheless, it is, as ever, a good yardstick of where pop music is right now and pop music right now is pretty downtempo, even before it was locked up in a cupboard for an indefinite amount of time. Pour yourself a glass of plague wine and settle down with Europe (and still, inscrutably, Australia)’s finest pop offerings, or popfferings, if you will.
Tom Leeb – “Mon Allieé (The Best In Me)” (France)
He’s a man. A French man. He is singing a slower number that lacks swoopyness, but is at least bilingual. There’s a really obvious key change, but this being Eurovision that’s well necessary. France is probably at it’s best when it’s being dramatic; but this is alright, so far as down-tempo slow ballads go.
Benny Cristo – “Kemama” (Czech Republic)
Eurovision’s often got plenty of stuff that’s a yardstick of the broader pop world and here’s such a tune. Dashing chap in washed out ’80s dayglo trackie, check. It’s one of those pseudo-Afrobeat-y numbers that does alright so far as that kind of thing goes. A shame not to have the performance because, well, there’s a LOT of scope for audience participation handclaps. I’m sure you’ll agree, the best kind of handclap.Athena Maoukian – “Chains On You” (Armenia)
Similar to the Czech Republic here – trap-lite rhythm, some Beyoncé-y middle eight, utterly mystifying diction that doesn’t bring to mind Armenia. Whatever we decide the competition is now, this might do well – it’s probably not the sort of thing that’d jump out as a tune on the night – though the video’s definition up-budget; but is definitely a grower. Have to say, we’ve been robbed of some very astonishing frock if the video’s anything to go by. Big up Armenia.
Diodato – “Fai Rumore” (Italy)
I can’t remember the last time Italy didn’t put in a banger that under-performed, so here’s this year’s banger. Cute boy, singing in Italian, one of those verses that limply sits around somehow having the architectural girth (ahem) to support a chorus the size of something impressively astral. If there’s anything we can learn from Italy’s Eurovision entries, it’s that they know vim, drama and aplomb. Big up Italy.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_dWvTCdDQ4
Little Big – “Uno” (Russia)
You’ll have seen these cats on the meme-y “Skibidi”. Now. This is my favourite song of this year. Which is peculiar, because it’s DEFINITELY more than a little bit “lol, Eurovision”. There’s shiny spandex flared catsuits in the video. Everyone is hilariously looking very serious in the fashion of Russians who’ve read any Russian literature, including the piss-miserable fairy tales. It’s up-tempo. The lyrics are absolute nonsense, insofar as the chorus is some wrong counting in Spanish.But here’s the important bit: it is a banger. It possesses much bangerness. So banger, very Euro. Wow. It being up-tempo makes it a banger. It being short makes it a banger. But the secret sauce? The breathtaking inventiveness of having a hoover synth and donk chorus. I am a simple man and as a simple man I say YES to Russia. Da. I regret to note that neither hoover synths nor donk make a re-appearance this year. For shame, Europe. For shame.
Ben & Tan – “YES” (Denmark)
Many years there’s a song I should hate which is a bit mid-set pre-costume change slow boring album ’80s band, or rather “that stadium folk pish”. And here’s this year’s. And as ever, despite all the signifiers saying “bollocks”, I end up listening to it too much and falling in love with it. Absolute banger. Periliously heteronormative, but you know what? Sometimes the straights can knock out a banger. I just wouldn’t want my daughters to bring one home, etc etc.Uku Suviste – “What Love Is” (Estonia)
Boring boy does boring slow ballady bollocks about dreams and following your destiny and that. Nearly a good middle eight, which suggests there’s scope for a trance remix; but let’s be honest, if the best you can aspire to is a trance remix, then you might as well end it all. Don’t bother to listen to the song, it’ll turn up as the soundtrack for an advert for private healthcare soon enough.
ROXEN – “Alcohol You” (Romania)
This is slow, but you really need to get over your prejudice against slow songs; because sometimes they are bangers. Such as this one for instance. Lovely voice, swoopy violins, chorus broader than Jesus’s love for humanity, despite how much we’ve shegged it all to actual fuck. Russia have set the tone by having a nonsensical chorus and so too Romania have stepped into the breach, except it’s more evocative and there’s at least one of those massive notes that you’ll want to do a swoony clap to. I’d say this promised frock of the year and we have been ROBBED.Efendi – “Cleopatra” (Azerbaijan)
There’s a really banging Azeri photographer called Rena Effendi and I’m assuming Efendi is no relation, what with having one fewer f in her name. Absolute four million percent banger, very production values, gets banginger as is goes on. Nod to the gays with a line about straight or gay or inbetween (it is their special time of the year, after all). One of those extended middle eights AND a pre-chorus warbly bit, some faintly Azeri modes, banging singer. Azerbaijan once more don’t disappoint. Big up Azerbaijan.
Arilena Ara – “Fall From The Sky” (Albania)
Piano-led slow number, epic chorus. Nice singer. Can’t fault it, but if you’re trying to remember what it reminds you of, it’s at least three songs in every Eurovision ever.Stefania – “SUPERGIRL” (Greece)
Greece the banger machine on not atypical bangerly form. Mildly annoyingly the lyrics are all “yeah, women, woo!” and a bit “ooh, let’s be sexy”; but the video has picked the theme of supergirl, as in super powers. As they’re known to say in that Bristol, fair set of lungs on ‘er mind. This is a banger that should’ve included all sorts of explosions and maybe some flying people; but we’ll always have our memories, in the form of the video for this banger.
Elias – “Medo De Sentir” (Portugal)
After winning a couple of years ago, Portugal started getting all srsface; but luckily, while this is a bit srsface, it’s also a piano-y duet banger with some very frock frocks on the video. It’s probably very sad and about how men is too headache. It’s gorgeous and dare I say plaintive and a solid top five from me; but not as good as last year’s Portugal which, I’m sure you’ll remember, was the very best thing ever.Natalia Gordienko – “Prison” (Moldova)
Love is a fool’s prison. This might be what the chorus says. This is a well Eurovision song, but also a pop song about heartache and that. Frockwatch in the red, but there’s a lot of this sort of thing this year and I’m not sure this stands out as bangerist of them all. Sorry Moldova. Oh, trigger warning for shoulder blades in the video. Calm down, Malcolm.
Destiny – “All Of My Love” (Malta)
Sometimes you see a singer, one of those pop singers, from one of those pop programmes or whatever. And you think, “why hasn’t someone given them a banger to sing?” This isn’t shite. Oh no. But it’s definitely not the song for her, in so far as she can sing as fuck and despite production values this song’s more than a little workaday. It’s a bit more uptempo than the average of this year’s field too, but it’s just not the one. But let’s hope that DESTINY is kinder to Destiny. Um. Yeah.Hurricane – “Hasta La Vista” (Serbia)
Why are there not more girl groups in Eurovision? For that matter, why aren’t more people putting forward Serbian girl groups? The video’s a bit boots / sexy / leather / smelting warehouse / topless buff men for some reason. I say that as if that isn’t an entirely predictable trope. This is absolutely peak parochial gay bar on a Wednesday, so is therefore Eurovisionist. And for bonus points, in Serbian mostly. Big up Hurricane, let’s hope you blow through the pack this year!!one
Alicja – “Empires” (Poland)
Epic slow number in English. It’s alright. Does a smart trick of jumping into the chorus a bar or two before you’re expecting it. Could do with being swoopier, or more rushy, or perhaps even having a poppers o’clock bit. Sadly, it just kind of plods along, has a big old high note; but isn’t quite James Bond theme-y enough to get away with it. Shame, a lovely voice.Senhit – “Freaky!” (San Marino)
Ersatz Harvester funk makes its first appearance this year. Absolutely fucking pish. The video seems to depict a bunch of sex people (you know, people who talk about how kinky they are, but you know someone who slept with them and they just over-used the word “naughty” for twenty minutes of lukewarm frottage). The lyrics, meanwhile, describe being freaky as: drinks on rooftops, dance around late at night in the park, dressing in colours. I’ll grant you San Marino’s small, but I’m getting distinct second day of a double glazing conference in Swindon vibes from this.
Vasil – “YOU” (North Macedonia)
A strangely perfunctory song that’s a banger on the quiet. Something about it makes me wonder if there’s a residual amount of gurnerrs kicking around in my noggin. Dancing in the video helps. Possibly it’s one of those that’s just ripe for a well pilly remix. Or maybe it’s got just a smidge of Abba about the last chorus. Dunno. Misleadingly banging.Dađi og Gagnamagiđ – “Think About Things” (Iceland)
Now, I’ve heard a few people getting excited about this. And predictably enough it just sounds and looks and feels like a dogs-piss enema. One of those dance routines that says they needed a dance routine, but DESPITE BEING MUSICIANS, no-one can fucking move in time to a rhythm. This song can do a whole shitting load of fucking the shit off.
Aksel – “Looking Back” (Finland)
So this isn’t quite Finland’s usual uninteresting but dashing young guy singing something anaemically generic. But it’s not too far from it. A bit pop epic, a bit Coldplay and that (but perhaps not as galling). Only about 40% shite, but still when I ring mother to tell her the important news of this year’s Eurovision I am unlikely to devote much, if any, time to describing this song.The Mamas – “Move” (Sweden)
Sweden also not following form by not fielding a cute boy being dull. Unfortunately they’ve fielded some women being kind of pop-gospel in a not massively exciting way. The frock game is strong, but the song is not the one. It does have points for ticking the box of friendship / building bridges and that sort of stuff that’s well Eurovision. There’s a clappy bit. Just never migrates into second gear
Sandro – “Running” (Cyprus)
Back into the world of proper pop music facsimiles. Definitely in need of a poppers o’clock remix or at least a patina of donk. The guy is, of course, well fit. No objections. Fair shout, Cyprus.Ana Soklič – “Voda” (Slovenia)
I love a low woman’s voice. Mme Soklič goes down a long way. This is one of those fucking massive chorus jobbies, but it’s also well into the good side of that. Restrained and explosive and a lush voice and some a very fabric fabric on her outfit. Really a shame to miss the on-the-night frock and high note and Slovenian singing. I might write her a letter to express my condolences.
Victoria – “Tears Getting Sober” (Bulgaria)
Vocal stylings not entirely dissimilar to Billie Eilish (which is totally a pop trope by now of course) in that it’s a bit tremulous and soto voce, but none of the attitude or arrangements of Eilish. Which arguably puts us closer to A&M pop á la The Carpenters in that it’s a bit light and swoopy violins. “With a modern twist”. It’s a lovely wee song and very probably a grower, and has a mildly gratuitous key change. I’m digging it, which means there’s no chance of it winning. Big up Bulgaria.Lesley Roy – “Story Of My Life” (Ireland)
So for two years in a row now, Ireland has broken its pattern of sub-Westlife shite. Big up. This is the “yay, women!”, self-asserting, fist-pumping number. Heavy lesbian vibes in the slicked-back hair, smart jacket with mesh top. Sher the hauld chountry so, the songs, so. Sher. So. Big up the auld country.
Vincent Bueno – “Alive” (Austria)
One of those voices that somehow doesn’t fit the singer. One of those absolutely brilliant appropriations of Misfits as couture jackets in the video, but sadly disappears into a mire of ersatz Harvester funk. He can actually dance and has a good voice, so let’s call that the Maltese problem of “good singer, shite song”.Eden Alene – “Feker Libi” (Israel)
So loads of ticks against this – four languages, one of them putting in their first appearance (Amharic), key changes, tempo changes, mbira. Very throwing everything at the song and, were it not for Russia, absolutely bangingist. Definitely deserves a life outside of the competition and has summer Afro-ish banger meets ’90s euro house vibes enough to fill an estuary. Big up Israel.
Jeangu Macrooy – “Grow” (The Netherlands)
Now this is one of those songs that’s just dripping in confidence. Lush, spare, careful arrangements, close harmonies, no over-decorating a simple, plaintive vocal line. The problem is that it passed me by the first few times and it’s only when I’m properly concentrating that it jumps out as a blinder. So quite how I was going to go mental for it having drunk a skullful on the night, I’ve no idea. But big up the Netherlands “Nether”theless. [sorry].Gjon’s Tears – “Répondez Moi” (Switzerland)
Cute boy sings cutely in the rain in French. Has banff. Slow, and probably about the infinitely moribund sadness of being a Swiss French speaker. Does that building thing that’s happened a few times this year, perhaps not as well as Azerbaijan, BUT I’m not marking him down for it – because this is distinctly mostly in the banging side of the Euro-Venn.
Samanta Tina – “Still Breathing” (Latvia)
I have no idea why poppers o’clock has stopped being a Eurotrope, but it’s here. The video features an absolutely preposterous hat, the song features a very will-this-do rap (not hilariously bad, just not necessary), there’s some sort of breakdown bit. Would that I could fault it but, dear reader, I cannot. I very cannot. Big up Latvia.Tornike Kiplani – “Take Me As I Am” (Georgia)
Big down Georgia. Big big down.
Ben Dolic – “Violent Thing” (Germany)
Arguably not the best song, but somehow refreshing and innovative coming straight after the rockish pish of Georgia. Ersatz funk blah, very “now” in pop; which is also to say well Harvester.
VAL – “De Vidna” (Belarus)
I want to give this one more props, but it never quite arrives at a chorus or ‘owt. It’s another side of the Eurovision dice – the face with Belarus being mildly dull on it.The Roop – “On Fire” (Lithuania)
The video has all the hallmarks of an indie band not being able to dance. Again, there’s something excruciating about musicians who can’t dance. Shite beyond measure. Or perhaps not so much beyond measure so much as “un-ironicly worn manbun” is a measure.
Damir Kadžo – “Divlji Vjetre” (Croatia)
Epic and buildy and very Eurovision, probably about holding hands across the world or whatever. He’s got the look of a shaved brickie made smart, which should be a Grindr category if it’s not already. Gratuitous keychange. Well Eurovision, and well Eurovisioned.James Newman – “My Last Breath” (United Kingdom)
Empirically shit, because the UK don’t deserve Eurovision. But not entirely appalling, considering how terrible the UK is. What with all the racism, global extortion, astonishingly bad politicians and all. Has some shouty “whoah-oh-oooooohs”, which are alright and lead me to the notion that there’s a hardcore punk cover in the waiting here.
Go_A – “Solovey” (Ukraine)
This year’s ethnic instruments and fancy-looking keyboards number showing up neighbours Poland, who really should be doing this. Features those drums and that white voice [білий голос]. Banging red and black outfit, which obviously means that they’re decent, God-fearing anarchists. There’s D’ja pagh earring, which is a winner. Bangs, but perhaps not so much storm of the Gods banging so much as it’s [pullthis id="drunk"]drunk, two in the morning locked out of your house banging.
Blas Cantó – “Universo” (Spain)
Spain rightly sending a Spanish number with a cute fringey bloke. Distinctly lacking in key change or poppers o’clock bit and basically just a chorus that goes on to long; but not even in the same universe of gash that is Georgia’s entry.
Hooverphonic – “Release Me” (Belgium)
Downtempo boo sad song with a doleful young woman over what may be a lovely Rhodes organ. Has a bunch of swoopy strings. Definitely hits the button marked Bond theme song, banging at about 90% capacity; but sadly so I’m all up for this being something people enjoy with their ears.Ulrikke – “Attention” (Norway)
Yes Ulrikke. I’m here for the big ballady sad boo song, I’m here for the glittery frock, I’m here for the fake key change. Chorus is massive. Banging at full capacity. Totally a wasted drag queen revival piece. Banging.
Montaigne – “Don’t Break Me” (Australia)
To my eternal chagrin, Australia have once again fielded a stone cold banger. A maudlin end-of-the-night sad queer sing-along air-punching tremulous blue-haired banger. Also sadly one of those tracks that would’ve gone well up in my estimations / liability to make me cry by the time the night came and I was eight pints under. Big up Australia*
-Kev Nickells-
Eurovision: Europe Shine A Light will appear via forty broadcasters in place of the originally scheduled song contest grand final at 21h00 CEST on Saturday 16 May 2020.
