The most wonderful time of the gay year, isn’t it. How much we’ve gay learned, and gay we’ve all become. I mean joking aside, there’s a lot of people have had a chance to spend some time with themselves and have come out as fuck. So it’s not all bad.
What is ambiguous from this whole lockdown stuff is the effect it’s had on Eurovision. Here’s the skinny: basically, they didn’t do it last year. But they didn’t do it long after the wheels were in motion, so a bunch of songs got made. As a result, much but not all of this year’s entries are the same people as last year. Is this a poisoned chalice? In many cases yes — I’ll get onto that.
Before we go too much further, I just want to give a shout out to Remix Everything, who’ve diligently remixed the last three years of Eurovision. Every year I bemoan the number of tracks that are a remix away from bangerhood and these good people have, at least, gone some of the way towards banger-reparations. Money goes to charity and who doesn’t like charity? Big shout out to charity.
Anyway. It’s a strong field. There are a few excruciating terrors, but arguably fewer than the last few years. There’s some adventurous cracks at novelty — in the sense of unusual rather than a clown on springs or whatever… shout out to Ukraine there. There’s no fewer than two boring rock band boy band things. Probably the most frustrating thing is that some of the folk who had bangers last year have re-entered with tunes that are less banging. Which we’ll come to any second now. Hold tight, Eurolovers, for it is the time for the venerable and much-anticipated Freq Europreview.Happy gay Christmas, one and all.
Israel – Eden Alene “Set Me Free”
So unfortunately this is about 40% less banging than last year’s “Feker Libi” from Alene. It’s got those swoopy synth strings and a chorus, but it’s a bit less dancey and contains three fewer languages. Alene may have been on a budget and has made the bold decision to redirect funds from “bangingness” into “fuck me her hair is amazing”. A respectable decision, but to quote Flaubert, “banging hair doesn’t always play well in central Europe”.Croatia – Albina – “Tick Tock”
Smart wee number that goes from generic Euroverse to something a bit more neo-disco without drifting into Harvester funk. Bilingual, which is always banging. It’s one of those that probably doesn’t put the fear of God into twenty-year-olds but does me, because it’s very close to the knuckle of reasonable ’90s pop, and that means I’m fully submerged in the gloopy pit of “a bit long in the tooth”.
I’d like a bit more Croatian but I’m an adult with an internet connection, I can find the Croatian version before they Englished it up for whatever inscrutable reason people do. Could do with a hardstyle remix, but so could I at this point.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Er06NBWo4bs
Greece – Stefania – “Last Dance”
Last year’s “SUPERGIRL” from Stefania was a banger and this year’s follows suit, and is literally a banger. If I had a criticism it’s that this maaaaaybe is a bit much of a grower for Eurovision. Well, also and that it’d be great in Greek, but you can’t always oil the Greeky door. Let’s dance, she says — and let’s hope that we all dance to a Greek victory. I had four punts on entries this year and this one was narrowly outside my top four, which is a testament to this year’s field.
Italy – Måneskin – “Zitti E Buoni”
This is one of this year’s “really, must we?” rock band numbers. But contrary to my cynicism, this isn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened. It’s kind of on that hard rock-lite side of things, they’re all well turned out and for the most part not dressed like terror itself. Nice looking bunch of lads, especially the woman. I can’t commend it for ethical reasons, but should you choose to enjoy then I will not curse you.Azerbaijan – Efendi – “Mata Hari”
Last year Efendi put forward the utter banger “Cleopatra”. This year, unfortunately it’s just a good pop song rather than a good-era-Gaga-grade banger. There is an outro that is well rushy but too late in the song, I fear. This is in many ways a stupid criticism for me to make, but also “Cleopatra” really was utterly peng.
Georgia – Tornike Kipiani – “You”
I mean this isn’t utterly execrable for a man-with-a-beard-being-sensitive number, but also there are principles, and in principle man with a beard being sensitive is pretty close to execrable. Nearly saves itself with a massive chorus, but doesn’t. Last year’s from the same was a lot less shrug; but that’s no commendation now, is it?Malta – Destiny – “Je Me Casse”
See, unfortunately her entry last year caused me to go “great singer, but not this song”, and this year’s is much the same. It’s swimming between the big diva-y number and the landfill jaunty cod disco and ultimately pisses in the latter. Someone who can write a bloody song give her a call.
Bulgaria – VICTORIA – “Growing Up Is Getting Old”
So this is absolutely lovely and possibly the measure of her entry last year (though I’m maybe more fond of the former) in a kind of A&M Eilish way (I said it last year, it’s still true). I wonder if the events of the last year have lead to a kind of breathy resignedness to music? Who could say.What I can say is that while this is a banger, with all the lovely massive chorus, it is a slow number and a grower so I’m leery of seeing it win. I have, however, never successfully picked a winner for Eurovision, so I clearly know less than fuck all.
Sweden – Tusse – “Voices”
Last year I wrote of Sweden’s entry “…not following form by not fielding a cute boy being dull”. And fuck my leathery old leaky boots if this isn’t a cute boy being dull. To quote Flaubert, “this is just bollocks pal”.
Iceland – Daði og Gagnamagnið – “10 Years”
I realised recently that I’m forever referring to Harvester funk, but perhaps people don’t know what it is. It’s this. It’s music that has the absolute faintest sign of “funkiness”, but you can only imagine the worst people dancing to it. People who go skiing and say that a fucking yoghurt is naughty.Of their entry last year, I said “..can do a whole shitting load of fucking the shit off”, and quite frankly this too can do a whole shitting load of fucking the shit off because it’s dogpiss af.
North Macedonia – Vasil – “Here I Stand”
Uncharacteristically I actually did some research on this fella — he seems like a total sweetheart, very much a luvvy. Child star, opera singer — clearly massively gifted. I’m surprised this is the first sighting of big swoopy ballad with a properly amazing singer, but it’s a standout in that particular field — perhaps a neglected one in recent Eurohistory? An improvement on last year’s number as well. Big long ending note. Shout out to Vasil.Latvia – Samanta Tina – “The Moon Is Rising”
Aaah, so this is clearly lush; but also it’s not perhaps the song that last year’s was. It’s all fist-pumpingly yaaaas kween (which the kids probably regard as hopelessly guache nowadays), but it’s a good 50bpm short of hitting that sweet spot of fizzy excitability that I need it to be. One for the “pls donk remix” pile.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsWwLWaZBq8
Poland – Rafał – “The Ride”
I’m a bit back and forth on this. In some ways it’s got that kind of electro pop, ersatz ’80s vibe that’s somewhere south of Ladyhawke. On the other hand it’s also faintly crap. For the life of me I don’t know why Poland doesn’t draw on its rich legacy of Disco Polo. Europe would love Top Girls or Daj To Głośniej and it’s high time that Disco Polo was recognised as central Europe’s best genre (western Europe’s being Portugeuse pimba, you understand)UK – James Newman – “Embers”
A finely and delicately balanced, hair’s breath margin-of-error balancing act between “this is fucking rubbish” and “get that fucking rubbish out of my ears or I swear to G_d I will fucking scissor your kidneys out through your thighs”. I’m not a fan. It is, by a large margin, not the worst thing the UK has done musically in Eurovision though, so round of applause if you must.
Estonia – Uku Suviste – “The Lucky One”
I’m not sure if this is Sweden’s offcuts pish, or there’s just residual pish from the UK in my head. I suspect it’s pish. So let’s just cut our losses and say it’s pish.Switzerland – Gjon’s Tears – “Tout l’Univers”
In French, so that’s a bonus. It’s not Pomme but she’s probably a bit cool for these things. Not to mention that she’s French rather than Swiss. This is a lot better than last year’s entry. Has those kind of big boomy drums that say serious horses / waterfall / emotional business. Has a big old falsetto climax. It’s a strong one, not least because he’s well fit.
https://youtu.be/l01wa2ChX64
Russia – Manizha – “Russian Woman”
Yes Russia. Fucking banger. I’ve had a flutter on this though obviously everyone hates Russia because of human rights abuses and that so it won’t get voted for. Nevertheless, there is some very outfit outfitting going on (and not dresses either). It’s about five genres piled up but not tackily. Well, very tackily; but not outrageously shite. Because banger. And dancing. And mostly in Russian. Dunno man, just have a listen innit, I can’t do everything for you.Denmark – Fyr & Flamme – “Øve Os På Hinanden”
This is outrageously ’80s. It’s absolutely lovely, but it’s a very, very well realised pastiche / homage. Part of me suspects it might do well, but another part suspects that it’s not quite enough of a banger to capture Eurohearts and Eurominds. If this inspires a George Michael-based cryptocurrency I would be neither surprised nor disappointed, as Flaubert notoriously said. Bonus points for being in Danish as well. Shout out to Denmark.
Austria – Vincent Beuno – “Amen”
See, this one didn’t really click with me until I’m listening to it for something like the twentieth or so time (I do my research properly innit). It’s definitely very good and big and banging and possibly in the mood of stuff at the moment and has actually not too perfunctory string arrangements on it. I guess I just can’t see it permeating a field of slow numbers as a grower when there’s the much more flamboyantly, obviously high camp of North Macedonia’s Vasil. Probably the best song called “Amen” this year though.Australia – Montaigne – “Technicolour”
This is a prime example of why paying attention to lyrics is bad, because lyrics are so often bad. This is kind of a brilliant tune until it starts falling apart. Somehow verse, middle eight and chorus are unrelated. Kind of something about self-identity and frustration which is solved by… getting sexy. OK, put like that it maybe makes sense; but I’m left feeling this is much more thrown together than last year’s banger. She gets lots of queer points though.
Spain – Blas Cantó – “Voy A Quedarme”
It’s a slow ballad-y number in Spanish. It is imbued from head to toe with the essence of shrug.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7-dxzp6Jvs
Ukraine – Go_A – “SHUM”
So for Eurovision last year we got a bunch of people to watch the entries at the same time and vote on our favourites. While I was team Russia, our lot decided Ukraine was tops. And also gorniest (goth + horny). This year Ukraine have arguably doubled up on gornyness and simultaneously out-banged the rest of the field.
This is, in many senses, utterly ridiculous — folk instruments over driving trance-y stuff with (what I know as) biały głos singing. Builds up to be a proper stomper. Because of this it’s definitely the best song ever. It doesn’t have a high standing with the bookies, but what have they ever known about songs that bang harder than the sun? “I’ll have me some of that lad” — Flaubert.Cyprus – Elena Tsagrinou – “El Diablo”
This is entirely in that early Gaga / Robyn mould of weeping in the discoteque and that is an admirable quality indeed. In a fallow year this’d be a top pick, but there’s a deceptively strong field this year. Still, I would not bemoan a Cypriot victory, no sir.
Portugal – The Black Mamba – “Love Is On My Side”
Oh God, absolutely dogshit. Portugal are obviously going to try and do this faux-authentic cod srs music every year since Salvador Sobral won with a song that was accidentally brilliant despite being totally dad. Oh, except the year they entered Conan Osiris with an absolute banger that entirely failed to convince people. Much like Poland, they do have a rich well of bangers to draw from with pimba, but apparently Portugal hates joy and fun and good music these days.San Marino – Senhit – “Adrenalina”
Much, much improved on last year’s pish. It’s a kind of holiday disco banger that Severina would be proud of. It has a perfunctory guest rap from Flo Rida for some reason. It slaps, but again it’s a strong field, so will merely slapping be enough? Ukraine says no.
Serbia – Hurricane – “LOCO LOCO”
I said of last year’s entry by the same ladies “this is absolutely peak parochial gay bar on a Wednesday…” and this important quality has persisted. Also a holiday disco banger. They have a look that is aggressively amazing girl band. Very, very hair. Top of my picks for further investigation because they’re two bangers under at this point, but it’s again merely very good.The Netherlands – Jeangu Macrooy – “Birth Of A New Age”
All very worthy and that and important BLM content, but unfortunately the song is a bit meh. It’s a shame because it’s all got the right bits for right now politically; but I am standing by my meh.
Moldova – Natalia Gordienko – “SUGAR”
I’m going to say it’s entirely adequate, which might seem like damning with faint praise. I can’t finger any part of this which is bad, but it’s a bit third single tune that Britney turned down. Not bad by any means, just not quite there. This is Gordienko’s third crack at Eurovision as well. My Moldovan kingdom for a proper banger for this woman!Romania – ROXEN – “Amnesia”
Cute gothy woman being all downtempoish and maudlin. Would be peak teenage goth, were it not for Ukraine being simultaneously goth AND uptempo banger. This is low on gorny; but if I was a mopey teenage girl — and I’ll be honest, I am that in many important ways — I’d absolutely do the horny / sad thing to this song. Last year’s by same was also a banger, so she’s gone in my “to watch” pile.
Belgium – Hooverphonic – “The Wrong Place”
This is the kind of song that the Netherlands usually submit. It’s a bit sensible grown-up pop for adults by people who are a bit older than pop stars normally are. I’m fairly prejudiced against that, but somehow it would be remiss of me to go full slagging for this. So yeah, something for your dad to tap his foot to, I guess.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4D_RfEFwd4
Albania – Anxhela Peristeri – “Karma”
Yeah, so it’s in Albanian which is a bonus. And it’s all singing with elaborate arm gestures. Frockwatch on highest alert, methinks. It’s definitely one of those where the song may well be massively improved by an astonishing performance. But yeah, big up Albania.
Slovenia – Ana Soklič – “Amen”
Song number two this year called “Amen” and, well, not maybe as good as the other. Maybe this year’s peak in terms of gratuitous key change plus gospel choir. I’m not convinced, but I wish her the best in her future endeavours.Ireland – Lesley Roy – “Maps”
Last year’s entry from same was entirely fist-pumping “you got this girls!” and this is ploughing a similar euphoric, horsey-drummed field. Effectively my heritage is Irish these days on account of Britain being an absolute joke country, so I’m all in favour of the hauld country winning as fuck. Though obviously I’m also, for the purposes of this year’s competition, Ukrainian. Big shout out to Ireland, so.
Germany – Jendrik – “I Don’t Feel Hate”
Dogshit. Ukulele, whistling, brassy chorus. It’s shitter than you’re imagining. Dogshit.Finland – Blind Channel – “Dark Side”
So there’s a small irony in that the preceding is called “I Don’t Feel Hate” and this opens with the line “Put your middle fingers up”. Keeping with running order poetry, this is also utterly fucking rubbish in an entirely different way.It’s that kind of metal that’s over-choreographed and made by people who are absolutely too good-looking for metal and it’s for all the world a Linkin Park song voided of any qualities. Post-competition it’s entirely the background for a financial services advert and it can very fuck off.
Norway – TIX – “Fallen Angel”
This has a very silly stage setting. More quasi-religious sentiment here, though there’s a disappointing lack of Milton-quoting for a song called “Fallen Angel”. It’s one of those songs that the sweet woman you work with who’s not that bothered by music would like. Which is a fine category, but this is a holy competition and I have to ask why Norway is so averse to, say, a proper fuckup hardstyle number.Czechia – Benny Cristo – “Omaga”
There’s a point in listening to this where fatigue kicks in, because there’s always a lot of this kind of thing. It’s a very safe pop song that could’ve been released pretty much any time in the last thirty years. Not terrible; but pretty exhausting at this point in proceedings, which is a shame because his entry last year was less tiring.
France – Barbara Pravi – “Voilà”
Oh France. France is singing in French. France is putting forward a banger. It’s all swoony strings and gorgeous neo-chanson vim and drama. Nearly my favourite, but certainly going into regular rotation for me. French woman with very French eyebrows and beret. If France could just grow up and stop racistly harrassing women in burqas, I’d say France was the best country on the basis of Eurovision entries.Lithuania – The Roop – “Discoteque”
I’m literally going to copy and paste what I said about their hateful tepid horseshit last year.
The video has all the hallmarks of an indie band not being able to dance. Again, there’s something excruciating about musicians who can’t dance. Shite beyond measure. Or perhaps not so much beyond measure so much as “un-ironicly worn manbun” is a measure.
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-Kev Nickells-
