The annual tradition of Kev Nickells giving the entries to the Eurovision Song Contest the benefit of his particular opinions has come to Freq once more. Strap in for his guide to the ups, highs, downs and disappointments of the musical dream of the year to some, a nightmare of cheesetastic proportions for others.
Introduction - may contain polemic
Another year, another Eurovision. And this year has been bismirched by political fecklessness on the part of the European Broadcasting Union (EBU).
Most years I allude to the pish that goes on in the background of Eurovision, but this year it's gone and slapped itself front-and-centre. Israel are competing. Now Israel do have the right to compete -- they are part of the EBU, they have competed for a long old time now. "But they're not in Europe", you might say -- but Eurovision has long extended past the given political boundaries of Europe. People don't say the same about Azerbaijan.
Anyway. So here is the EBU statement from 2022 as to why Russia should no longer compete. Now there's often a difference between the perceived reason for a thing, and the actual reason. The highlight is: "The decision reflects concern that, in light of the unprecedented crisis in Ukraine, the inclusion of a Russian entry in this year’s Contest would bring the competition into disrepute." This was, by and large, taken as a reasonable response to the Russian invasion of Ukraine.
And by contrast, here's the statement from the EBU as to why Israel are competing. Cutting through the statement itself, there's this line: "In the case of Russia, the Russian broadcasters themselves were suspended from the EBU due to their persistent breaches of membership obligations and the violation of public service values." [31st Jan 2024]
Now the thing that sticks in craw with this is that it's demonstrably contradictory. The original reason given for Russia's non-participation in Eurovision was that of disrepute; not some internal arguments about the rules. It's well-known that Russia has struggled to support the pro-queer festival that is Eurovision; it's reasonable that the EBU should highlight this. It had opportunities to do so from 1994 onwards. Perhaps they did and I missed it.
It's clearly the case that Israel has better PR with regards queer folk; at the risk of prevaricating, I'm not going to comment on that. If Russia was a sore thumb in terms of EBU conduct, the statement of non-inclusion was the time to say that. If, as was claimed, Russia couldn't compete while bringing the competition into disrepute then ... regardless of the position on the current conflict, it's surely the case that an ongoing military action on the part of the Israeli military brings the competition into disrepute. There's a raft of conflicting stories that purport to make the situation 'complex', but we can stop short of a commitment to which story we prefer - Israel's military is a hostile force in Gaza. Russia's military is a hostile force in Donetsk.
We can, of course, delve into the sophistry of the situation -- 'Gaza is not Donetsk'. The nature of Israel, the embattled but well-funded outlier in its own region, and Russia, the great bear and world power, the bastard to Europe's east. Principally though, the EBU's equivocation is false, and its explanation is rum. The EBU don't take a stand on LGBTQ-free zones in Poland, anti-Muslim legislation in France, the dogshit disenfranchisement which is UK immigration policy, etc. There's legion political events which the EBU could be acting on. Picking out Russia in that context is less about decency (though I of course approve) and more embodying the 'fortress Europe' mentality.
Anyway. So with that in mind I'm going to review Eurovision this year. It is my right to disinclude Israel and I will be using that right -- I don't think it's reasonable to include them and regardless of the severity of their military action it's entirely apparent that it is enormously disproportionate to the (alleged) touchpaper for the conflict.
As ever, tiocfaidh ár lá.
Albania | Besa “Titan”
Is it good? It’s kind of OK, it does a sudden rush towards a fast bit at the end and she’s got an alright voice; but it’d be a push to say it’s good. It’s not the most generic song you’ve ever heard, but it’s certainly friends with the most generic song you’ve ever heard.Armenia | Ladaniva “Jako” (Ժակո)
This song is fucking brilliant. Plenty of dynamic, bits for audience singalongs, plenty of local instruments and at a proper dancing tempo and a singer that’s just great. I doubt it’ll win because Europe is a racist bastard, but were justice afoot it might.
Austria | Kaleen “We Will Rave”
Poppers o’clock! Fuck yeah. Problem with a lot of modern Eurodance is that it takes the trance route of dropping the drums on the chorus. Here there’s a fake chorus and a drop so it’s certified ‘properly alright’ European dance number. Touch of acid keys, kick drum all the way through. Could do with a different mix to make it more pilly, but that is why God invented happy hardcore remixes.Australia | Electric Fields “One Milkali (One Blood)”
Ersatz Harvester funk which is a blood pox on the 2020s in Eurovision. A wee relief of acid keyboards just serves to re-emphasise the the pishness, sadly. It’d got a didgeridoo on it and some singing in Yankunytjatjara (a south Australian language), so it’s not entirely beyond redemption; but it’s still pish.
Azerbaijan | Fahree feat. Ilkin Dovlatov “Özünlə Apar”
“Through all the lows and highs / Love has guided me to gates of paradise” — there’s something charming happens when non-native English speakers have a go at idioms. I couldn’t tell you why it’s ‘highs and lows’ but I’m glad to be challenged by Fahree here. It’s not the hottest song you’ve ever heard, but it’s scorching next to ersatz Harvester funk. Just a bit limply tepid next to bangers o’clock business.Dovlatov is for my money the more exciting singer — doing that wide warbling we may associate with western Asian singing, but he’s kind of sidelined with his lovely moustache. Shame.
Belgium | Mustii “Before the Party’s Over”
One of Eurovision’s enduring oddities is that there’s a lot of pop songs that are just pop songs. Like this is alright, it’s in English but it kind of doesn’t tell us anything about human existence and could’ve been made in any country since about 1994. It’s arguably petty to rage at the asinine, but by the good Lord above I’m a petty motherfucker.
Croatia | Baby Lasagna “Rim Tim Tagi Dim”
This is a bit metal BUT IT’S OK because it’s got a silly chorus and is dumb as fuck. It feels like the product of the younglings, who are unafraid to be a bit Glitter Band, a bit metal, a bit Linkin Park and talk about anxiety attacks, with a wee acid interlude. Maybe this is the Käärijä for 2024. I’m not sold, but I’m OK with it.Cyprus | Silia Kapsis “Liar”
Now you might call me a hypocrite, but this could’ve been made any time since about 1994 AND YET it’s alright. Maybe it’s a bit later – like Max Martin Britney Spears-era pop. Dynamics, dancing, big chorus, absolutely pedestrian breakdown.
Czechia | Aiko “Pedestal”
Now this is a different variety of very familiar. You’ll probably remember Salad if you’ve developed a mistrust of farting enthusiastically, but if you’re younger, they were a band in the ’90s that (surprisingly) hold up pretty well now. Poppy indie stuff. Demure verse that leads to a walloping chorus. It’s just shy of by-numbers indie, but while it ticks my sentimental female-fronted indie rock buttons, well, YMMV.Denmark | Saba “Sand”
Epic, in the sense that I imagine the producer probably pressed the ‘make sound epic’ button at least twice. It’s not dreadful. It does feature the obligatory ‘castles out of sand’ metaphor, which is a Eurotick. She could’ve got double points for describing herself as a warrior. Actually for all my damning with faint praise, this falls into that unfortunate category of ‘great singer, someone give her a better song’.
Estonia | 5miinust and Puuluup “(Nendest) Narkootikumidest Ei Tea Me (Küll) Midagi”
More in the Käärijä box perhaps. It’s fucking excellent. It’s fast, it’s got a kick drum on the four, it’s got fun. You could dance to it, perhaps a hora or just a gabber shuffle. If I was in charge I’d use this as an example of Eurocorrectness. Excellently, the title translates to “We (Sure) Know Nothing About (These) Drugs”. For bonus points there’s a talharpa (I think) on there — something bowed and nylon-stringed that makes for a lovely thick addition to the chorus. Big up Estonia.Finland | Yle Windows95man “No Rules!”
Perhaps Käärijä’s greatest contribution to Eurovision is that there’s clearly a lot of people have gone “I can do industrial pop at Eurovision that’s a bit like Electric Callboy” and here we have more of that. It’s a bit memey, but I would take a million memey songs over Harvester funk.
If you’re old enough to need to think about standing up quite seriously then you’ll admire that, once again, people in their 20s give no fucks in a very excellent way. The stage show promises to be a bit fucking excellent. I would argue that this non-qualifier for Finland slaps a fair amount harder; but I don’t get to vote in Finland because of so-called ‘national borders’.
A little more polemic
Also while I'm here I'm going to point out -- a lot of performers have been vocal about being uncomfortable about performing while Israel are still part of the competition. It shouldn't fall on the performers to take that stand when the larger organisation are being cowards. As I understand it, plenty of countries have formally and informally raised their objections, and that includes Finland, Iceland, Ireland -- so big up those and anyone in the Eurocommunity who've gone "you've put me in a shitty situation, EBU, you timorous sheds".
France | Slimane “Mon amour”
A hot French man sings in French, Frenchly, about very French things. I know the British have a weird jealousy of the French that manifests in its stereotypes; I hope that even after that we recognise that this is French as fuck. It’s not the best French entry in the last few years — they’ve been consistently strong for ages — but it’s certainly adequately French.Germany | Isaak “Always on the Run”
It’s not regrettable except in that sense that you had two pints more than you should’ve talking to someone that, honestly, you’re not that interested in and he only talked about how he’s going at the bookies and you’re not even into the horses.
Georgia | Nutsa Buzaladze “Firefighter”
It starts a bit generic, has a banging dirty noise instead of a bass drum for a bit. It’s got those big Eurovision drums that are always fun. It’s very dancing and I know you Eurofans are very fond of very dancing. This song’s cliché is “rising from the ashes like a phoenix” and that’s OK in this case. It’s a better song than it should be; but it’s about five to poppers o’clock.Greece | Marina Satti “DovlatovZari” (Ζάρι)
Greece in Greek being Greek. It starts a bit “O Superman”, but heroically switches to a reggaeton beat over Grecian modes. It would properly be described as dutty. The synthesised instruments are fucking brilliant in their abject failure in the realm of authenticity. This is a better song than Eurovision usually attracts and perhaps is this year’s best tune.
Iceland | Hera Björk “Scared of Heights”
Now Iceland did nominate a Palestinian singer and there was talk that voting for him would be a vote for Palestine, but sadly the forces of Harvester funk won out in the end. OK, it’s not that execrable but the second most popular comment on the YouTube video says “someone called this song a[n] advertisement for tampons and i can’t believe how well this fits emoji lmao” and that’s the kind of apropos that I would usually pen.Ireland | Bambie Thug “Doomsday Blue”
Now. I really want this to do well. Bambie may be Eurovision’s first enby performer — Montaigne for Australia came out during Eurovision a few years ago and Nemo for Switzerland below is also enby. Nevertheless, it’s important and significant to see our enby friends on the Eurostage.
They’re a completely OTT goth in a way that is a bit neo-Strawberry Switchblade. This too is important and significant. For thirdwise, this is is the best song Ireland has submitted since Jedward, and that song was only good because Jedward are fucking brilliant.So this is a messy incantation of industrial metal and some sort of plaintive light jazz chorus. They have a very excellent voice. I don’t think it’s my favourite song (it’s in my messy top three), but pray God this is the end of the hauld country submitting the shittest thing you’ve ever heard, year after year. Also their performance in the qualifiers had a load of Ogham script, so in lieu of a song in Gaeilge, they’re a fine representative of Ireland, so they are.
Italy | Angelina Mango “La noia”
Riding high with the bookies. It’s a big indinstinctly Iberian dancey number. She has amazing hair and is very clearly the sort of person who couldn’t really not be a pop star. I can only imagine this’ll go hard with a big production with dancers and such and Italy always turn out fire at Eurovision.Latvia | Dons “Hollow”
Slow number and half an interesting arrangement, but it’s never going to pique my interest without being exponentially gayer.
Lithuania | Silvester Belt “Luktelk”
Lithu-pounder. It might be that pop has started to shift from the BLANKPINK spare chorus — this is looking like being a slovenly one and then the chorus goes well into stomping territory. Arguably this year’s song which has least space between itself and gabber. It needs a third section to properly take off, but it’s by no means shabby. Shout out for singing in Lithuanian thoughLuxembourg | Tali “Fighter”
Luxembourg haven’t been in Eurovision since 1993, and they remain one of the most successful countries. This is half-and-half English / French. You’d be forgiven for thinking that to be bet-hedging, but it’s a banger of holiday pop vibes. Sleek and totes profesh and a banging singer. Also the Eurovision quota of ‘songs called “Fighter”‘ has been met. Welcome back to the fray, the ‘bourg. Sorry it’s so frayed.
Malta | Sarah Bonnici “Loop”
This year’s fuego number. Big on dancing, a decent helping of handclaps, vocalbatics. Inexplicably last in the bookies’ estimations — Malta doesn’t typically do massive numbers, but this is a much better song than the bookies know. And of course the bookies are just interested in whether they’ll win, not whether they’ve turned out a banger that’ll have a toply-notched dance. More fool them, ‘fyou ask me.Moldova | Natalia Barbu “In the Middle”
Indistinctly ‘ethnic’ tune with a drum machine in flavour. Some excellent unconvincing violin miming to an instrument that doesn’t sound like a violin. It’s one of those that’s weird, for sure, but not in a way that’s particularly compelling.
Netherlands | Joost Klein “Europapa”
“Welcome to Europe, stay here till I die / Euro-pa-pa” (in Dutch). It’s into the realms of early doors hardcore. Silly outfits. Hoover synths. I’d be very happy if this won because it’s basically happy hardcore (which is the highest form of music, if not stuff in general). It’s a bit novelty but it’s got a part that’s begging for a hakken so I’m literally ok with this winning as fuck.Norway | Gåte “Ulveham”
In the Go_A slot of ‘folk song with trance-y arrangment’, but with a touch of the evanescent, Evanscence-style big gothy chorus. The performance promises to be very good. There’s a nickelharpa, which is a lovely instrument. It is a great song, honestly.
Poland | Luna “The Tower”
It’s got those ghost / witch / electro vibes. You’d hope it’d be Poland’s best performing track for a while, because it’s a bit more up-to-date than their usual fair. It is also beholden to a large chorus and an amount of dynamic stuff going on. The problem for me is that it’s missing something and I can’t quite finger what. I’m sure she’s a lovely woman though, who is diligently proud that her Polish tax money is going towards helping new migrants from Gulf states.
Also a note — if you’ve got a spare few hours it’s worth having a look at the Polish non-qualifiers. Many of them are as you’d expect but there’s a lot less stage school nonsense happening – this
and this
Portugal | Iolanda “Grito”
In that vein of “a bit ethnic, a bit Enya“. A smidge of contemporary production tastefully sprinkled. There’s some dance going on. It’s on the right side of ‘sensible real music’ and she’s a lovely voice. Could fall foul of the problem of being a grower though. Portugal rarely put in a bad entry and this is no exception.
The problem is that the last time they put in some rubbish was the only time they won. Funny old game, Eurovision.San Marino | Megara “11:11”
Is Europe ready for decent enough indie rock in Spanish by some people with piercings? It has a nice flamenco breakdown.That’ll soften the blow. I mean, I think the problem is that rock has never done well at Eurovision, despite yearly efforts. Industrial-pop is on the rise and does well every year now.
I guess what I’m saying is that this is alright for what it is, but I can’t imagine it denting the Euro-imagination.Serbia | Teya Dora “Ramonda” (Рамонда)
A fucking lovely voice. Good vibrato, lovely thick notes, depth even while breathy. I’m going to be keeping an eye on her even while this song is not jumping out of its … uh, carriage? … and insisting that I like it with my heartlungs. It might be a grower but it’s definitely a ‘great voice, shame about the song’ proposition.
Also biting at the heels of this is that Konstrakta‘s effort
is better (though also she’s been in it before, washing her hands on stage, so that’s probably fair or whatever).
Slovenia | Raiven “Veronika”
It’s very much the prelude to a nap. There’s a lot of arrangement failing to elevate it, which seems a shame for whoever’s worked over this with strings and drops. The big drums with, no doubt, hench topless men will surely be present here and that is right and just for Eurovision is the festival of the gays.Spain | Nebulossa “Zorra”
It is certainly a banger. It’s got that neo-’80s thing down pat. It is in a Spanish language and I couldn’t tell you which one. They are a synthpop duo — and I’m pretty sure one of them must, therefore, be gay. Because of the ancient rules of synthpop duos. They are older than most of the people here and they are a sight more glam also.
It’s a no-pissing-about song and it slaps. Shout out Spain.Sweden | Marcus and Martinus “Unforgettable”
It almost doesn’t matter what song Sweden put forward, their stage shows are inevitably amazing. This is in the realm of trance-y electropop business. I don’t know if the song would tickle my fancy were it not for the impressive visuals, and they’ll get better by the night. The main problem is that they sort of remind me of Jedward, but are a whole heap less ridiculous than them.
Switzerland | Nemo “The Code”
“Like ammonites / I just gave it some time” is a distinctly amazing line. This is one of those songs that swings between jumpy rappy d’n’b chorus and lugubrious, singy verses. They are enby and that is still an important and a great thing, I just wish they could’ve done it without the white person rapping. I can only imagine their outfits will be amazeballs, as they used to say in my day.Ukraine | Alyona Alyona and Jerry Heil “Teresa & Maria”
Another country whose existing entry is overshadowed by a better non-qualifier. This has the white voice singing and a really charismatic lead performer, faintly ethnic music sounds. It’s no Go_A. But also in the context of 2024 it’s not this
After Super Rob (see Norway above), it’s probably this year’s finest; but I think I can also say, without fear of hyperbole, that it’s the most important piece of music since JS Bach.
United Kingdom | Olly Alexander “Dizzy”
Considering this is by the UK this is not entirely dogshit. It’s definitely part of the rich British tradition of being a bit Northern Soul with synths and fronted gayly.I actually feel like I’m being a little unfair, because I really struggle not to stick the boot into the butchers of the butcher’s apron (cf “do you have no fucking land of your own”), but the UK is a proper dickhead and this is merely a quite good song. Give it a happy hardcore remix and I’m there.
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