As with every year, the turning of the seasons brings excitable crowds thronging to a new arena in another European city for an extended musical popularity jamboree, and Kev Nickells turns gimlet eyes and ears on the entries for 2023’s Eurovision Song Contest, sparing no blushes in the process.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Not only do we get all the fun of good looking people dancing in amazing outfits, but they will sing for our entertainment as well. For the younger members of the Freq audience (ha! As if) Europe is a dream that the UK used to be part of until we were cruelly torn asunder like the pigfucking idiots floating off the coast of France that we are. And now we are exposed to our sexy and intellectually superior neighbours like the generous benefactors they no longer are to us.
Last year’s entries were typically on the slow side, which meant that last year’s best song — “Brividi”, by Mahmood and BLANCO — lost out to worse tunes. The worse song that won was the Ukranian entry and, frankly, I’d be an idiot not to respect why because, obviously, fuck Putin all day.
This year we’re resplendant with faster tunes which is a welcome change. The bookies have this year’s competition as between Sweden and Finland and I don’t think they’re far wrong — both are exciting, fast numbers that are strongly familiar with poppers o’clock.
As is now traditional, here’s the lowdown on all the songs for your delectation and delight.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDBSIGITdY4
Joker Out – “Carpe Diem” | Slovenia
There are handclaps and there are attractive men. It’s a bit disco. It’s a lot indie landfill. It would be a lot better if the men in the video kissed each other than the generic women that I’m sure are lovely people but aren’t really doing anything for the video.https://youtu.be/wa3suiOzAAk
Mimicat – “Ai Coração” | Portugal
Banger. It’s Iberian all over, she’s got a lovely voice. Handclaps prominently doing the job of drums. It’s not too far into the authenticity-bore of most recent Portuguese entries (good), but it’s not quite a big shiny pop number — fun, up-tempo and has a distinct scent of traditional music without being all earnest about it.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Apqwl0ayL6A
The Busker – “Dance (Our Own Party)” | Malta
Ersatz suburban parentbore funk in that way that has to appear every year and is always dogshit. “Do you want to dance?” — it’s not fair to make that a conditional question. I do, but not to this. Please, God, not to this.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRxv-AUCinQ
Theodor Andrei – “D.G.T. (Off And On)” | Romania
Speaking of interminable dogshit. Theodor is flanked by scantily-clad women because it is 1970 in Romania apparently. It’s one of those ‘sexy’ songs where the sexy is never leaving the scare quotes, let alone getting anywhere near anyone’s fun genitals.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jjsl-JCHDWE
Blanka – “Solo” | Poland
The source of some controversy in Euro-land — her qualification for the Polish national finals was mired somewhat by “less-than-ideal” vocal performance, allegations of cronyism and vote-fixing by TVP. The song itself is one of those late-’90s, early-’00s Caribbean-tinged holiday pop numbers.It’s in line with the now-established “Feugo” trope (Cyprus 2018) but isn’t quite the banger that “Feugo” was, or “Chameleon” was for Malta in 2019. It’s almost a shame that the controversy will overshadow was is best described as a passable also-ran.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hjfq-T-8WHw
Piqued Jacks – “Like An Animal” | San Marino
The kind of singer you wouldn’t let your sister in the same county as, singing lyrics like “I can smell you like an animal”. With a bit more panache and wit that’d be OK, but this is grim. There’s an annex to the indie landfill marked “sex pest” and you can smell this song in it from space.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMmLeV47Au4
Teya and Salena – “Who The Hell Is Edgar?” | Austria
Strongly “fuck me yes” vibes in this danceable electro-pop banger. From live performances it seems Teya and Salena have really nailed singing harmonies. It’s a song that’s about being possessed by Edgar Allen Poe (obviously), but manages to slip in a reference to Spotify under-paying artists — “0.003 / give me two years and your dinner will be free” (0.003 cents is payment for being played on Spotify).There’s some super-louche hand-dancing which is effortlessly cool from two soft-futch megababes and there’s a sense of fun to this. Not that ‘enforced fun’ fun but like, fun-fun. I’ve had a flutter on it, so it’s pretty much guaranteed not to win, but it’s certainly a banger and a chorus which is mostly repeating a mardy poet’s name is alright in my book.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqtu2GspT80
Voyager – “Promise” | Australia
The first of two rock numbers this year. I’m still not OK with Australia being in Eurovision (but that’s ok, this is the last year under the five year trial), but with that in mind, this is a lot more fitting with Eurovision — it’s not “rock band taking the piss”, it’s more parent-friendly chugger.There’s touches of Europop keyboards amongst the chugging metal riff and a smidge of autotune. For what it is, it’s alright — they perform well. Not a winner, probably not going out in the semis, very unlikely to trouble the top ten.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oeIVwYUge8o
Luke Black – “Samo Mi Se Spava” | Serbia
Big chunky synths dominating all over this. He’s cute and kind of goofy-looking. It’s somewhere on the border between industrial-pop / proper electro-pop. It promises to have a faintly ridiculous performance of gnostic euphemisms. It’s a banger and it deserves to do well and doubtless will fill dancefloors in the gayer goth clubs Europe-wide.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-y78qgDlzAM
Vesna – “My Sister’s Crown” | Czechia
One of a few songs this year with subtextual objections to Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. It’s a hard banger. It’s pan-Slavic — languages from across the Slavic world (Ukranian, Czech, Bulgarian) — with a smidge of English. It’s got a “yaaaaass kweeen” type chorus (“Don’t take my sister’s crown”).It’s got a bunch of vibes — that kind of singing that’s a bit biały głos / Georgian choral, a bit of a hip-hop beat, some declaratory affirmative of women’s power type stuff. Genuinely a very good tune and deserves to do well and as a direct consequence I have bet five pounds sterling on it to win (so it almost certainly won’t).
https://youtu.be/r4wbdKmM3bQ
Noa Kirel – “Unicorn” | Israel
“I’m going to stand here like a unicorn”. I hope “unicorn” is a declaration that she’s a single woman looking to join couples. But more importantly, this is a hard fucking banger. Kirel is already a well-heeled performer, so the chances are very strong that the performance will be very good; Israel do tend to be able to throw money at performances too.Songwriter Doron Medalie is responsible for this as well as the Netta Eurowinner “Toy” in 2018, so the auspices are here for this’n. I’ve got a fiver on it and it probably won’t win; but it’s definitely a big sharp dagger of a proper modern pop song, so it’s worth your attention, Eurovision or no.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3vJfR81xO0
Loreen – “Tattoo” | Sweden
Speaking of having the wind in your sails — “Tattoo” is written by Thomas G:son, who also wrote “Euphoria” (also performed by Loreen), winner in 2012 for Sweden and Eurovision’s most popular song by most measures. Loreen would be joining the Johnny Logan club if this wins.Loreen has a big voice. Like a really big voice. Big. Much like “Euphoria”, it’s uptempo, pilly, euphoric, trance-inflected. It’s the bookies’ favourite this year and that’s no surprise — there’s a lot going for this tune. Personally it’s not my favourite-favourite, but I wouldn’t be annoyed if it wins because it is a total banger and once the adrenaline’s flowing this is surely going to get folk all the way to poppers o’clock.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWfbEFH9NvQ
La Zarra – “Évidemment” | France
For the umpteenth consecutive year, France is very clearly head-and-shoulders ahead of a everyone in the “most French song”‘ competition. Such that it feels like others aren’t even trying. She is in fact from Montréal and her real name is auspiciously Fatima.The song is in French (of course) and she has astonishing shoulder pads (naturellement) and has one of those very fine, controlled Edith Piaf-vibratos (évidemment). Her headpiece may well be a fascinator. It’s a disco banger, but not lacking for vim and drama and it’s like a sentinel over bangertown.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJ21grjN6wU
Mae Muller – “I Wrote A Song” | United Kingdom
Last year I was seemingly alone in thinking UK’s entry was weak, but am possibly less so this year. I have rules about songs-about-songs — not so much that it’s bad, but it can be lazy.Austria’s entry this year is very much absurdist meta-commentary, but it’s not using the state of writing songs as a setting for the song. Muller’s song has the chorus “Instead I wrote a song”‘. There’s fourth-wall breaking, delivered with wit and panache, and there’s lumpen, magic-less writing. This is the latter. Like, it’s OK. It’s good so far as UK’s usual fare. But also it’s a bit cack. There’s cacker this year, but I don’t imagine this will worry the top ten.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOf-oKDlO6A
Mia Nicolai and Dion Cooper – “Burning Daylight” | Netherlands
Last year’s field was overloaded with slow numbers. It’s a relief that the Netherlands is an outlier for slow numbers, but it’s not a great one. It’s a bit insurance advert background music. Soporific, but more like a long meeting than a nice nap.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7e-YeflDxCA
Marco Mengoni – “Due Vite” | Italy
Slow ballads are like buses… um… something about how unpleasant it is to see how other people live? This is alright. It’s a slow ballad and it’s an alright slow ballad, but that’s a bit like saying “an alright reheated sandwich“. Send me to bangersville next year please, Italy.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Co8ZJIejXBA
Brunette – “Future Lover” | Armenia
More slow business. A cute piano part decorating the background. A lovely bunch of vocal production of mostly effectless higher-pitched vocals. It’s one of those that’s a very well constructed and sequenced song — passing from pacific to explosive with a rap-ish section.It’s also one of those I’m not as enthusiastic about as I probably could be. Good, but probably not worth writing home about. Unless that’s particularly what your ma’s into.
https://youtu.be/znWi3zN8Ucg
Käärijä – “Cha Cha Cha” | Finland
Mum’s definitely getting a notice about this. In triplicate. Bold letters. Shit my dick off, this is a banger. Bookies’ second favourite to win and, overwhelmingly more important for our current purposes, also my favourite song this year.I have of course fluttered and been delighted to see the odds drop as the competition draws nearer. Käärijä seems like a proper pop star — silly and fun and his English is stilted but enthusiastic — he doesn’t come across as stage school, but rather someone who’s amped to be there. There’s a lot of energy here. There’s hoover synths. There’s big bouncy chorus-like things. It’s got a “Cha cha cha cha cha cha cha” bit that’s going to be great to shout along to.
It seems, from the build up, like it’s definitely caught the attention of those of us who listen beforehand. It’s got a similarity to Electric Callboy, but it’s probably closer to the pop side of things than that. Does away with pop form in that it’s just two parts, both of which are a good laugh. Staging is fun. Dark and the light, yin and the yang. Bing and the bang. Banger. Shout out Käärijä. Here’s to my newfound Finnish heritage.https://youtu.be/AyKj8jA0Qoc
Let 3 – “Mama ŠČ!” | Croatia
So this is probably the most “grower” song. In that the first time it came across as a “lol novelty lol” song, but seems better with subsequent listens. Let 3 are a bit agit-pop and this is another thinly-veiled subtext about Putin. So that gets points. They’re also a bit drag for their performance and likely to get drag-er. Which I’m in favour of.I’m not sure this is a winner, but it’s certainly worth pushing if only for being obviously anti-Putin — and the Eurovision powers that be have decided to turn a blind eye.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGnEoSypBhE
Blanca Paloma – “EAEA” | Spain
A very peculiar proposition in some ways — it’s close to the sort of neo-flamenco that Rosalía has been known for. It’s also not a million miles from the kind of dankly banging bass-heavy beats of someone like Ammar 808. It’s got a lot of clapping, like proper neo-flamenco. The scales are getting on for northern African.It’s not the most pop song Spain have ever put into Eurovision, but it certainly threatens to be impressive and powerful; and judging by the performances so far, it’s likely to take a lot of people by surprise. Banger.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8kO-QPippo
Iru – “Echo” | Georgia
Big drums, shouty affirmative chorus. Ticking clocks. Singer with a massive voice. Probably second-most likely to have fellas on stage with massive drums (Moldova’s entry is top of that list).It’s a mixed song, big ole chorus, weird mid-section, all the “ethnic music” effects that you expect. It’s thus far not really caught me, but it’s not for lack of effort on the part of the song’s production.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68lbEUDuWUQ
Monika Linkytė – “Stay” | Lithuania
Second Euroappearance for Linkyté after appearing for Lithuania in 2015. Here she is, older and wiser. With some Black women in the background to connote soulfulness or something (it’s pretty uncomfortable to be honest). It’s a non-impressive song. She wants to go back to the Taylor Swifting of her 2015 effort, at least that was quick.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=neIscK1hNxs
TVORCHI – “Heart Of Steel (Eurovision Version)” | Ukraine
Ack. It feels somewhat mean-spirited to give this a kicking, so let’s just say it’s not for me. It’s an alright pass at kind of neo-R’n’B business and Putin’s still a fascist dicklord.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8-Sbc_GZMc
Remo Forrer – “Watergun” | Switzerland
Anti-war subtext (“I don’t wanna be a soldier / I don’t wanna play with real guns”) which is of course laudable, but in the court of pop is it enough? I say it is not, because this song is boring old pish.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dvsr-L3HgY
TuralTuranX – “Tell Me More” | Azerbaijan
Oh speaking of boring old pish — this is boring old pish. Fuck this song. This song? Fuck it. Dogshit. How do you find someone in Azerbaijan to affect some weird estuary English to rap shitly? Pish.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qL0EkId_sTY
Victor Vernicos – “What They Say” | Greece
Great voice for a youngling (he’s only sixteen). Will be really interesting to see him when he’s a bit older. It’s nearly a banger — it’s got the pulse-y kick drum doing the business, but it’s just in need of a hardstyle remix (as is true of so many things, these days).https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrFUKqTy4zI
Andrew Lambrou – “Break A Broken Heart” | Cyprus
You can’t break a broken heart, but can you submit a clichéd song to Eurovision? Cyprus says yes. Hard meh from team me.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mp8OG4ApocI
Albina and Familja Kelmendi – “Duje” | Albania
One of those imperiously brilliant songs that’s got strings, ethnic instrument touches, amazing singer, eyebrows to die for. Her vibrato is seriously to die for. Family values because, well, why not. There’s a soupçon of what might be mugham technique to her singing (I couldn’t say for definite). It’s very clearly a Eurovision trope you’ll be familiar with, but strongly on the banger side of that moon.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORhEoS6d8e4
Gustaph – “Because Of You” | Belgium
More ersatz funk with a degree of George Michael about it. I’m not comfortable with another case of “white guy has Black backing singers for soul associations”. The video, on the positive side, is gay as hell. It’s not a bad parochial gay club number but it’s not the best.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y12_YMs9kCQ&list=PLmWYEDTNOGUIr757MlL8s9iyvYx-0lToh&index=33
Lord Of The Lost – “Blood And Glitter” | Germany
Again, so far as the rockist interventions in Eurovision go this is alright. It does mention glitter, so it’s clear that they’ve got the memo about Eurovision being gay Christmas. Very performative. It’s still a pedestrian rock song, but it’s a pedestrian rock song with its heart in the right place.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ak5Fevs424Y
Wild Youth – “We Are One” | Ireland
It’s got a big chorus. Unfortunately it’s bigly rubbish. It’s one of those fist-punching affirmative U2-y songs and as such is principally shite.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=se9LDgFW6ak
Pasha Parfeni – “Soarele şi Luna” | Moldova
Number one in the “will have barechested men banging big drums for the performance” list. Moldovan folk music with a dance-y update. Unlike Go_A (Ukraine, 2020/2021), for whom this technique produced a couple of Eurobangers, this is a bit of a limp song.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhlJXcCv7gw
Diljá – “Power” | Iceland
Woman singing a self-affirmative song about power? Yeah of course. Big energy performance. This might get lost in a field of mostly up-tempo songs and that’s kind of a shame — it feels like a great performer in search of a better song. Have another go next year Diljá. I believe in you (but not this song).https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxNiUxdJnTQ
Alessandra – “Queen Of Kings” | Norway
Strongly team FUCK YEAH. More self-affirmative “yassss kweeen”isms and I’m here for it. It’s got a beat that says “YES” to drugs (good drugs, the dancing ones). It’s a bit of an outsider but it is a banger, she’s a great performer, she’s got a massive voice and… who knows, maybe it’ll capture the mood on the night?Definitely one for your no-doubt expansive mental filing cabinet marked “songs Kev says are bangers”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWs69ddGEW4
Reiley – “Breaking My Heart” | Denmark
Ach. Cute kid, great voice. Sweet and nice and charming. Nice enough song. I’m just too long in the tooth not to see this as milquetoast pish.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wO9g5t3VSuw
Alika – “Bridges” | Estonia
Probably the lushest slow-burning ballad number. A lovely voice, big ole range. Subtle and spare. And building to one of those big srs climaxes that everyone loves from a slow burning ballad number. It’s maybe also sidelined in this year’s lineup, which has a lot more uptempo numbers than last year, which is a shame because this is a cracking wee tune.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRV2-jPqaUw
Sudden Lights – “Aijā” | Latvia
An odd little tune. It’s kind of a gentle lil’ indie tune with some odd packaging — the rhythm shifting between time signatures while the vocals stay in a different phrase throughout. It’s not execrable and I might even be so charitable as to say it’s alright.*
